There Is Always Something to Be Thankful For

So as I sit here on this dreary, cold, rainy that will turn into ugly snow slushie mixture Thanksgiving Eve morning, I realize that I have so many things in my life to be thankful for.

While I do have struggles, for the most part, I have a pretty great life.
I have a wonderful husband, an unbelievably loyal family, two of the happiest dogs in the world, a place to lie my head at night, a car to get myself to work, and friends that will be there no matter how late it is or where I am.

I know there are many people that do not have any of those things I listed above. That makes me sad and grateful all at the same time. You see, everyone is going through a struggle. Whether they lost their job, their home was foreclosed on, a loved one passed away, cancer diagnosis, and the list goes on and on. I am not the only one who is struggling. I need to take a moment to recognize that while it feels like the world is completely against only me sometimes, there are other people that feel the same exact way.

I know one day I will have a family. I don't know when or how but I just know that it will happen.
I just have to wait my turn. I know a blessing is coming my way and for that, I am so thankful.

I hope anyone who is reading this has a wonderful Thanksgiving and finds at least one thing to be thankful for. Remember, there is always someone who is going through something. Find comfort in that you are not alone even though you may feel like it at times. Blessings are coming...

Shattered Part 2

After I hung up the phone, while standing out front of Chickies and Pete's, I immediately called Tom. I felt like I was in a bad dream. I didn't understand what was happening. Did I really just hear her correctly? Why is this happening? I don't know what to do right now. I don't understand. These thoughts were racing through my head on a never ending loop.

Tom answered and I told him exactly what the Nurse at the Dr's office told me. I was sobbing and could barely get any words out. He kept saying, "What?" "Why?" "What does this mean?"

We were both asking each other questions that could not be answered.

We both agreed that we would be leaving work right away.

I got myself somewhat together, put on my sunglasses and headed back into the restaurant. I kept my sunglasses on inside. I am sure it was obvious to Ali and my other co-worker that something was wrong. I immediately lied about who was on the phone and said it was my sister. Ali knew though. She knew something was wrong and she knew it had to do with the pregnancy.
She was so sweet. She said okay, well we better get back to work and made small talk the entire car ride back just so I didn't have to talk. I held it together. I have no idea how. We walked into work, walked into her office, shut the door, and I lost it. She hugged me and she let me cry. She cried with me. She told me just to leave work and don't worry about anything else right now.

I went out the back door so I wouldn't have to see anyone. Got in the car and drove home. I was numb.

I called my Mom who at this point didn't even know I was pregnant. I was a mess. Screaming and crying. Trying to explain what had happened. I didn't want to say the word "Miscarriage" out loud.
She was so upset and so worried about me.

I called Tom again. He was so upset. He was upset for himself, upset for me, upset for us. He called his family and told them the news. On Monday when we received the news that my blood test was positive he went out and bought cigars and flowers and was telling the cashiers at the places that he just found out he was going to be a Dad. He was so excited and now his world was shattered too.

 I got home and went upstairs to our bedroom. Crawled into bed with my doggies and just sobbed. Uncontrollably. Every part of my body ached. I physically hurt. Tom came home and we both just laid in bed. Not knowing what to say. I remember saying repeatedly, "I just don't understand, I just don't understand."

I still don't understand.

Shattered

In June, Tom and I underwent what is called an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). I was prescribed Clomid to help induce ovulation and then we would do the IUI right around ovulation time. We learned that our insurance did not cover the cost of IUI. We would be spending $457.00 each time we did an IUI. This cycle, I had two mature follicles. That was great news. We went ahead and scheduled the IUI. The day of the IUI, they did an ultrasound and we learned that I did not ovulate yet but based on the size of the follicles, I would most likely ovulate in the next day. So Dr. G decided that we would need to do another IUI the following day. Luckily if you do more than one IUI in the same cycle, the second one is half off. Kind of like Payless's BOGO deal...except you don't get shoes.

We went ahead and did back to back IUIs and then we waited. It was the longest 10 days of my life. I will never forget the day when we took that test, and there were two lines. I had never seen two lines. We were ecstatic. It was a Saturday. I will never forget it. June 28, 2014. We had tickets to the Phillies game that day. It was an anniversary gift that I had gotten Tom. The first year is paper, hence the tickets. 

We were on cloud nine the entire day. At the baseball game, we even bought a bib to have a memento from the day we found out we were expecting.

We did not tell anyone yet. I call the Dr's office first thing on Monday morning and they had me come in for a blood test. They called later that day. My HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were 27. I was pregnant. 

I remember calling Tom outside of work and we were both crying and so happy and excited all at the same time. I had to go back to the Dr's office on Thursday to make sure my levels were doubling the appropriate amount. 

Those days leading up to Thursday were the happiest days. We calculate that our baby would be due in March. March 11, 2015. We started talking about names and the nursery. I don't think we ever smiled as much in our lives as we did those couple of days. We were planning on telling our immediate family on the 4th of July (it's my Moms birthday). We purchased a onesie that says "My First Fourth" and we were going to wrap it up and give it to my Mom as a present. We were so excited to tell our close family about our news. 

On Thursday, July 3, 2014 I went back to the Dr's office. I got my blood taken and then went back to work to finish the remainder of the day. It felt like a Friday since the 4th of July was the following day and work would be closed. 

That same day, my best friend Ali asked me if I had found out how the IUI went. I told her I didn't know anything yet. Yes, I lied to my best friend. Obviously, I wasn't a very good liar because she asked me again a couple minutes later when we were in the conference room and I just started smiling and crying and shook my head yes. She started crying and we were both crying and laughing. She was so happy for us. She was the first and only person I told. 

Later that day, Ali and I and another co-worker went out to lunch.  We were at Chickies and Pete's. I remember trying to figure out secretly if there was any food or drinks that I shouldn't be eating. In the middle of eating our lunch, my phone rang. I looked and saw it was the Dr's office. My heart immediately started beating. I ran out of the restaurant to take the call outside. 

I answered the phone and then with one sentence, my world shattered. 

"We received your results back and your levels aren't doubling and we believe you are experiencing a miscarriage."

My whole world was shattered with that one sentence.

Maybe Next Year's Christmas Card...

Today is November 17, 2014. Next week is Thanksgiving. Everyone knows the second Thanksgiving dinner is over and the turkey is put into Tupperware, the Christmas tree's get hauled out, the lights get strung, and Christmas music is on every station for the next month.

I absolutely LOVE this time of year. Spending time with family and friends, baking cookies, decorating the house, cutting down a tree, shopping, wrapping, all of it. I live for it. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. When you live in the infertility world though, the holidays lose a small sense of luster for you. Every holiday, couples that struggle with infertility are reminded of their struggles, especially at Christmas time. Christmas time is all about children. Seeing kids sit on Santa's lap at the mall, writing their Christmas lists, seeing their eyes light up when Santa comes down the street on a fire truck. The innocence in their eyes brings everyone back to their own childhood.

As a person dealing with infertility, it is also a reminder of my diagnosis. It was just last year that I was dreaming of announcing a pregnancy on our Christmas cards or surprising our families on Christmas day by wrapping an ultrasound picture. I even held off purchasing my Christmas cards just for the small possibility that I might get pregnant and be able to announce it then.

Here I am one year later. I am having the same thoughts in my head as last year. This year, I thought, would be the year we would have a child on our card or at least an ultrasound photo. Unfortunately, this is not the year for us. I will end up buying generic holiday cards and mailing them out to family and friends. In return, I will receive tons of cards with pictures of babies and families on them. I love getting cards and seeing people's families grow. I do not want to come off bitter about that in any way. It does sting though and as I said before, it is a small reminder of what is missing in my life.

I am hoping with any ounce of hope that is left in my soul, that next Christmas, I will have a child or ultrasound picture to put on our holiday card. "Maybe next year" is becoming an all too familiar phrase...