Christmas & CD 10 - Gonal FFFFFF you!

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I know we did! I was surprisingly upbeat and did not let my infertility get the best of me like I did on Thanksgiving.

We spent Christmas Eve with Tom's family and my family. It is so nice being able to have both of our families in the same place. My family is very close with Tom's family so it makes life a lot more easier. Our families are our biggest support systems. We are so very lucky to have them in our lives.

Each Christmas Eve, Tom and his sisters take turns on who hosts. This year it was his sister Kelly's turn. Everything was great. The food was good, the house was cheery, and the kids were bouncing off the walls. It was just like Christmas Eve should be! We gave the kids their presents and then did an adult Pollyanna. It is always fun to see what you are going to end up with. The gifts were pretty good this year. We ended up with a gift card to our favorite Italian BYOB and a poker table and 4 folding chairs. Not too shabby!

Christmas Day we woke up and exchanged gifts with each other. Tom was in a Michael Kors mood this Christmas. He spoiled me. I got a new rose gold MK watch, MK slippers (who knew they even made these?!), MK leather flats (love and they even fit my wide ass feet), and some prefume and a Labrador Retriever calendar. It is tradition that he gets me the calendar every year (even though I tell him to wait until after the New Year for it to be marked down 75% but he insists on giving it as a Christmas gift). I gave Tom a bunch of random guy things. Jeans, shirts, cologne, a fishing chair, hat, sneakers, sweatshirt, and a case of Surge. Remember Surge from the 90s?? Tom loved it and was so excited to get it again. Coke recently started making it again and sells it exclusively on Amazon.

Then we gave the doggies their stockings. They got busy bones, Frisbees, balls, kongs, and a bunch of other stuff that will ultimately be destroyed.

Here are some pictures from our Christmas:

Christmas Eve

Top: 2013
Bottom: 2014
These kids need to stop growing up so fast!

Christmas Eve! 

Christmas Day

Santa left some stuff for the Labs!

Dunkin Donuts, Breakfast, Surge, MK, and Togetherness!

Wonderful Christmas with great memories!

Christmas Eve I had to give myself my first Gonal F shot all by myself. It wasn't bad at all. Tom came for moral support. It was done in about 3 minutes and then we went back to the festivities. Same thing Christmas Day. It is annoying having to bring the shot with you (which has to be refrigerated) and the disposal canister and the gauze and the alcohol wipes! Geez! It is like bringing a baby and all of their stuff without having a baby yet! Honestly though, the shots aren't bad at all. On the 26th, the day after Christmas we went back for a follow up appointment at the RE to check on things. The RE said that everything is progressing the way it should be and they wanted to see me back on Monday. Man oh man, these co-pays really add up. $50 each time! Sheesh! It's killing us! Yesterday, I went back for another check and looks like there is 1 follicle on the left side and a bunch of little guys on the right. I thought for sure there would be more but the RE said that if we need to do this again next time, we will need to up my dosage. Currently, I am doing 150 per shot. I go back again tomorrow for another check and will do the trigger shot. Then I will do IUI most likely on Friday! Exciting stuff! Hoping this time works but trying not to allow myself to get my hopes up too much! 2015 please be good to us! 

50% chance in the next 4 months?

I went to the RE yesterday for my CD3 ultrasound, blood work, and for them to teach me how to use the injections. Everything looked good on the ultrasound and we are ready to start again.

The nurse showed me how to give myself the injection and it really wasn't bad. I have a killer headache today though and I am chalking it up to the Gonal F. I have to give myself another shot this evening and again tomorrow night. So tonight for Christmas Eve dinner I am bringing the buffalo chicken dip, the spinach dip, some wine, and my Gonal F shot that needs to be put in my sister in law's refrigerator. Definitely something I never thought I would be doing. I will have to slip away for a little and go give myself the shot. Same thing on Christmas day.

Then on Friday, the 26th, I have to go back for a check to make sure the dose is good and doesn't need to be downgraded or upgraded. The only appointment they had was for 7:30 AM. So that's fun! Merry Christmas! Here are some needles and you get to get up bright and early the day after Christmas and drive in so we can probe you some more.

I kid though and deep down, I am very excited about it. So I spoke to the RE for about 2 minutes. He said to me, "let's try to get you pregnant already!" I was like "ummm yeah that is the point!" I can't believe it will be a year in March since we first started going to the RE's office. So he was very excited that we were starting injectables this cycle. Then he said something that I wasn't sure how to take...

"I give you a 50% chance of getting pregnant in the next 4 months"

Is that good or bad? I have no idea what to think about that statement. I don't know if I should be excited or sad. So I was left a little confused...that's different :) 

Last night we celebrated my Mom-Mom's 84th Birthday! She has been in and out of hospitals and rehabs for a year and a half now. At one point she was even on hospice and they told us to prepare ourselves for the end. But Mom Mom Doris had other plans. She said she was not ready to die. So she decided not to die and started fighting. She is probably the strongest person I know. She refuses to give up even when everyone is telling her she should. She doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She does it her way. She will be coming home soon and she is thrilled about it.  Happy 84th Birthday Mom-Mom and many many more! 

My Mom, Mom-Mom, My sister Jenn, and Myself - Mom Mom & Her Girls 

Happy 84th Birthday Mom Mom! I love you! 

The True Meaning Of Christmas

So last evening, we presented the family in need with all of their donations. It was a magical evening. They came in and thought they were just coming to have a slice of pizza with us.

My co-worker started by telling him that after we met with him and he showed us all of his bills, his situation weighed heavily on our hearts. We just had to do something to help. I told him how I reached out on Facebook to my local community and even to other groups on Facebook. People from all over the country contributed to this family's Christmas. I showed him pictures of all of the people that helped make this possible.

As him and his wife were looking at the pictures, his wife started to cry. They were so touched that complete strangers contributed on their behalf. They said they had wished those people were here now so they could hug them and thank them. I cried too. But happy tears. It was an overwhelming experience.

We then told them that everything under the tree was for them. Their 3 year old daughter also got some small gifts to open. The larger toys were held in a separate room for Sara to have a wonderful surprise when she comes down the steps on Christmas morning. They were floored and speechless. They couldn't believe it. They were so grateful.

My heart was so full. I couldn't stop smiling. They couldn't stop smiling. Their daughter was having a blast. We sat and talked and ate pizza and had almost like a family dinner. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, and it was simply amazing.

This process has done more for me than this family will ever know. This is truly what this season is about. Everyone is going through hard times. Try to be a bit nicer to people because we are all fighting a battle. This has taught me that there is still so much good that exists in this world. We tend to only hear the bad things but there is so much good that we don't hear about. To all of those that helped make this family's Christmas a little bit brighter, I want to Thank you! I don't think any of us know how much it has impacted this family. Everyone deserves help sometimes. Good things happen to good people. This is proof.

It was a magical night filled with so much love! 

Here are the toys for Santa to deliver Christmas Eve! 

Merry Christmas! Love one another. Respect one another. Be kind.

CD 2....On to Injectables

So it is definitely over. I can say that without a doubt in my mind. IUI#4 did  not work. I will not get my Christmas wish this year. I am surprisingly handling it really well. Who knows how I will be feeling Christmas Day but for now, I have accepted it and moved on.

Part of the reason I am handling it so well might be the fact that we are moving on to injectables next cycle. What does this mean? Well, I am not totally sure myself but I know that I will basically be giving myself shots everyday for like 2 weeks. And when I say "I will be giving myself shots" I really mean Tom will be giving me shots because there is no way in hell I am sticking a huge ass needle into my thigh muscle.

Seriously though...the needle is HUGE! Not joking...

see?!?! Told YA!

So the meds arrived on my doorstep on Saturday afternoon and were packed on dry ice. I was prescribed Gonal F and Novrel. Some of the medication needs to be refrigerated while some of it doesn't. It came with gauze, alcohol swabs, shit ton of needles, and a disposable waste bin which really freaks me out. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I started to read the booklet and it said that the one medication needs to be stuck into my thigh and needs to get into the muscle. So that's pretty deep. That should be fun.

I will be calling my RE today to inform them of my exciting CD2 news. I am sure I will have to go in tomorrow morning and hopefully get a crash course on injections.

I also read that the chance of multiples is 30%. That's a little scary. I mean, I would be all about twins but anything more then that sounds a bit daunting. But I am getting ahead of myself...I can't even get one baby yet..so let's just try working on one for now Katie.

On a side note, today is the day we are presenting the family in need I wrote about two weeks ago with all of their stuff and donations. It has been an eye opening experience. I am honestly floored by people's generosity. There is still so much good that exists in this world. I cannot wait to see the look on this family's face when we present them with their items. I may not be getting my Christmas wish this year but I think I am helping grant someone else's their Christmas wish!

12DPIUI....WTF

So today is 12DPIUI. Tested again this morning. Negative again. You would think with each passing month I wouldn't put so much hope into each cycle. But nope. Every single new cycle, I get that little butterfly feeling and think "this is going to be the cycle that works...it has to work this time." And so far, each time, I am 10000% disappointed and let down. But the second I begin the new round, I get excited again. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Yup, it's official I am insane!

I can say that next cycle we will be moving on to injectables. So that is doing something different. I know already that I am going to believe more then ever that the next cycle is going to work just because we are doing something different and more aggressive. It has to work right?

It is so hard to explain how you are feeling to someone who hasn't gone through this or isn't currently experiencing infertility. Each month that it doesn't work and you get that stark white negative test, a part of you dies. I literally lose a piece of myself each time. The sadness overwhelms me. I start to question everything.

What have I done to deserve this?

Why isn't it working?

Why me? Why us?

How much more can we possibly handle?

What is the point of all of this?

Why am I broken?

I know I am not alone in my feelings and there are many couples out there that are going through the same thing and are asking the same questions. I also know that there are many people that have been in our shoes but now they have a child and have had success. 

So now I am grieving the loss of something that I never initially had. I am going to do my best to chin up and be happy for the holidays. I absolutely love this time of year and I really don't want it to be ruined by my own self pity. So that's all for this negative 12dpiui update. Wish I had better news to report!

10DPIUI...BLAH

So today is 10DPIUI. I was doing terrific with my TWW up until yesterday. Yesterday, I started the googling and even tested. Now, I know 9DPIUI is very early but no matter what, every time I pee on a stick I always hold my breath and imagine those two glorious lines coming up.

Well they didn't. So yeah. That sucked. It was an internet cheapie test but I literally didn't see anything. I tried to make myself see something, and once or twice I even thought I did but I am pretty confident it was all in my head.

Here is the test...

See anything?? Yeah me neither :( 

So I tested again this morning with a First Response (FRER). That's right, I pulled out the big guns. It was my last FRER in my drawer so it had to work right?? I have lower back pain, my boobs hurt on and off, last night as I was wrapping presents I kept getting waves of nausea. I was so sure it would work. I woke up at 5AM because I had to pee and figured well here goes nothing! First morning urine is supposed to be the best!

Here is the test....

My FRER! WAH :( Feel like I wasted it

So here I am...sitting here....analyzing...googling....symptom spotting...feeling depressed. I know I am still early but I honestly thought that I would see even the faintest of faintest squinter by now. 

Next cycle, assuming this one doesn't work, we are supposed to start injectables. Now I don't understand anything about them. I just know that I need to have them at my house right away as soon as my cycle starts. Now this leads me to another predicament in which I will most likely over analyze. I will probably start my period early next week. Well Christmas is next week! The pharmacy ships the drugs out to you overnight. But what if they are closed on Christmas? Should I call now and just bite the bullet and pay for the drugs even though there's a chance I may not need them? Oh, why can nothing be easy? 

Guess that's life for ya. 

So Happy freaking Tuesday...blahhhh

TWW Distraction: Paying it Forward

So today I am 5DPIUI. I feel completely normal. I have a minor headache but again, it may or may not be related. I have been doing awesome this TWW with not googling anything or thinking about it too much. Luckily I have been super busy with work and events during the week. Tonight I am getting my hair did and I am so freaking excited for it. Nothing better then a fresh head of hair!! Highlights all around please!! I have also been distracted due to a project I am working on for a family in need. I wanted to share it with you..

Ok, so without going into too much detail about where I work, I want to share a story with all of you (I love how I say all of you like there are a million readers out there)!
I work at a Bank. We own lots of properties that were foreclosed on. We had to take back many of these properties at Sheriff Sale because the borrower stopped paying us. Now, don't hate us and think we are mean, money grubbing, typical big banks. We are a small community Bank. We only have six branches. Many of these properties were rental properties for the borrowers. These were not the homes that they actually lived in. Many of the properties are located in poor and bad neighborhoods. The borrowers never kept up on maintenance or paying any of the utility bills or taxes. They used these properties as rentals and took advantage of people who just needed a place to call home. The borrowers aka slum lords would simply go by at the beginning of every month and collect the rent and then wouldn't be seen again for another month. If the house had maintenance issues, 9 out of 10 times, it wasn't taken care of.


So anyways, when we inherited these properties, many of them came with tenants in them. Mind you many of these "tenants" were families. Mothers and Fathers with their children. We took over the position of Landlord for them. This experience has been both gratifying and frustrating at the same time.

I have seen people take advantage of the governmental assistance programs out there and I have seen the other end of the spectrum where people who truly need help are denied. We hear stories almost daily about family members being shot, jobs lost, children getting into trouble with the law, children being sick in the hospital, etc. It is so draining sometimes. So this brings me to the point of this story...

We have a tenant. For privacy reasons, I will change his name to "Brian". Brian is married to his wife "Mary" and together they have a 3 year old daughter "Annie". They have been living in their home for well over 5 years now. Brian works full time as a security officer. He works the night shift. His parents live in Georgia and are both very ill. Brian sends his parents money every month to help with medical expenses. Because of this, Brian is behind on all of his bills and rent payments. He is just not bringing in enough money to survive. He hasn't paid rent since August of this year. His monthly rental amount is $500.00 but between living expenses, gas, food, bills, etc. he is unable to make his rent payments. We do not want to see Brian have to be evicted but understand that as a business we do need to have a tenant that can afford to pay rent. Brian has been doing odds and ends jobs for the Bank which we apply towards his past due rent. We met with him and he brought in all of his bills and pay stubs and tax returns. He laid his life on the table. I don't care if you are a man or woman, that is something that is not easy to do. Imagine bringing in all of your bills to sit down with people that you barely know. That takes an insane amount of courage. After reviewing all of his paperwork, we realized there was really nothing that he could give up or cut back on in order to help him get out of debt. He was simply over extended. He left the meeting stating that he had faith everything was going to work out and he has been praying on this.

After the meeting, my mind kept going back to him and his family. I thought about what it took for him to do that and the feeling he must have had as he left the meeting. We basically confirmed to him that he was in trouble and we really didn't see a way out for him. Then it dawned on me. Katie, you can help him! You can maybe play a small role in being his way out. So I decided right then and there that I was going to try to get donations together for this family. Whether it be clothes for Mary, toys, gift cards to food stores or gas stations, diapers/wipes, or basic tolietrees or even money towards their bills. I was going to do everything I could to help make their life a little bit easier. We are in the season of giving right? This is what it is all about right?

So I posted something on my Facebook page and the responses I got were incredible. Complete strangers offering whatever they could to help. My Mom's boss donated $100. I met two people last evening and they donated coloring books, crayons, and brand new clothing and hair accessories. Someone offered to provide Christmas dinner for them. Another complete stranger offered to provide them with a tree. A woman just dropped off a Wal-Mart gift card in my mail box.
I couldn't believe it. I truly cried tears of happiness on my way home from meeting the people that donated the items. I am completely surprised and I have a renewed faith in humanity. There are good people still in the world. I am scheduled to meet people on Friday evening and again on Saturday morning. I will also be going around picking things up for people. Another person I work with is helping me with this also. It really does remind you that your life isn't so bad after all.

If anyone reading this feels inclined to purchase or donate something please send me an email at katie395@gmail.com. We also created a registry on Amazon of things that we know the family needs/likes.

You can go here: Gordon Family Wish List

Items will be sent directly to my home and I will be sure the family gets them! The family does not have any idea that we are doing this for them. They did not request anything nor did they ask. We are simply trying to help give them a fighting chance and a brighter future! 

Thanks in Advanced for helping me pay it forward! 

Update: IUI 4

After my mid-cycle check on CD15, I went back 2 days later on Friday, 12/5/14. My eggs were bigger. I still had two. That's a good sign. Here are my two little eggies:

Aren't they precious???

I was told to come back the following day and we would do the IUI. So bright and early on a rainy Saturday morning, Tom and I trucked into the Fertility Clinic. Tom had his goods in hand. He still thinks it is so weird but I don't think anything of it anymore. The IUI was scheduled for 9:30. We were both in good spirits and I brought my fuzziest socks I own. I heard this theory - warm feet = warm uterus?? Not sure how true it is but hey why not? Plus it is an excuse to wear my fun cat with glasses fuzzy socks!

So we got there and waited and waited some more. It was fine though. It was a Saturday and understood that they were running behind. We entertained ourselves. They finally called me back. I immediately saw an ultrasound tech that was friends with my Sister in Law. I knew she worked there but had never seen her in the 9 months that I had been going to the RE. She gave me a big hug and she was going to check to see if I had ovulated. I already felt like it was a good sign that she was there.

I went and got probed. Good news - both eggs released on their own! They washed the sperm and were getting it ready to insert it all up into my junk. So romantic. They came in and gave us Tom's sperm numbers. He is always so excited to hear if he beat last times numbers. I can't remember what the exact numbers were but the Dr said they were above normal which was good to hear. Our Dr. was not on this weekend so we had the other Dr. I never had him for anything before but he was nice. The two follicles were on my right ovary so he said he was going to aim towards the right.

After it was done and the worst part was over, I just laid on the table for 10 minutes. While we were waiting, we decided that we would take a trip into the City and get some shopping done. As we were walking to the parking Toms phone rang. It was his work. He was on call. He had to go in. Bummer. I decided just to take the ride with him into work. The weather was crappy so we decided to bag the shopping trip and just grabbed something to eat after he was done at work.

Here is a pic of me on the way to his job site. I wanted to keep my feet warm and elevated. Tom thought I was ridiculous but I figured every little bit helps right?

So we went and had breakfast and came home and decorated the inside of our house for Christmas. Later that night we went to the Mall and did some minor shopping. I was a bit crampy and tired but nothing out of the ordinary. It also didn't help that we are fostering a 6 week old puppy that literally has to pee every 10 minutes. She is adorable though :) We called her Piper. She was adopted yesterday by her forever family and they named her Lucy.

She was so much fun to have but honestly, I am glad to have my normal routine with my house trained dogs! But we do love helping out the SPCA and fostering. This was our 5th foster puppy. 

So today is 4DPIUI. I don't feel any differently. I feel cramps here and there but I am not sure if that's gas or just a normal part of being a human. I have been crazy busy which is a good thing because it hasn't really allowed me to focus on the IUI. I will probably start testing this weekend because I am a freak and won't be able to stop myself.

Lucky Number 4????

So after three failed IUI cycles, I am rapidly approaching the day we will do our 4th IUI cycle and it will be our 5th Clomid cycle.

Last time, I was so sure it was going to work. I had 4 beautiful follicles. The numbers were all in our favor. So when it didn't work, I was devastated. Completely heartbroken. This time was worse then any other time just because I was so sure it would work. But it didn't and that sucks.

So today is CD15. I had my mid-cycle check this morning. I have 2 follicles this time. In the past hearing that I had two follicles would have made me upset but considering last time I had 4 and it didn't work, I don't think it really matters how many. All you need is 1 egg and 1 sperm.

They took bloodwork and are thinking I will ovulate in the next 2 days. I go back Friday for another check and will most likely be doing IUI #4 on Saturday.
Yay...another $460!! I honestly do not know how we are making it work with the finances. My parents helped pay for one IUI cycle and that was so generous of them. They help us out so much.
With the cost of co-pays, the medication, and then the procedures themselves, it really adds up.

This time of year is especially difficult due to the holidays. I keep wondering if this one will work. I am so excited and scared all at the same time. My test day will most likely be Dec 20. Five days before Christmas.

I feel like this time will make or break my Christmas and that sucks. If it works and is positive, it will be the best Christmas ever but if it doesn't work, I know I will be so devastated and really do not want it to ruin the holidays.

If this time doesn't work, we will move on to IUI with injectables next cycle. I already got the quote and luckily it is covered and we will only need to pay $40 out of pocket for the needles! Then I get to stick myself with them everyday! Doesn't that sound fantastic?

I hope there is no next time. I hope that IUI#4 is the lucky cycle for us. I hope we get our Christmas miracle!

An Open Apology

So since this whole process has begun, I have become an increasingly bitchy person. I act as though the whole world is out to get me. I act as though I am the only person that is struggling or going through something. As if everyone owes me something because I am having a difficult time.

I ruined Thanksgiving this year. It was at my house and I was stressed. The cooking and cleaning got to me. It also didn't help that I was in a God awful mood the entire day. There was no making me happy. I sabotaged the day on purpose. I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was mad and angry and bitter. I have no idea why I did this. I don't know if it was the Clomid or just the whole infertility process catching up to me.

Bottom line, I was a bitch. I made my sister leave when all she did was ask if I needed help with anything. I picked on my Mom the entire day for no reason. At the dinner table everyone said something they were thankful for and my response was "that this is almost over."

Really?

Just typing that made my stomach hurt. That is not the type of person I am. I am extremely grateful for everything good in my life and I love the holidays. It makes me sad that I allowed this process to get to me and affect me so deeply which made me ruin Thanksgiving.

So to anyone that I upset, I am sorry. I know I was wrong. I knew I was acting like a bitch but it was like a train that I couldn't stop. I hate the way I acted. I am doing my best to turn my way of thinking around but it is going to take time.

The truth is, I do feel slighted. I do feel like the world is out to get me. I do feel like I am owed an explanation. Why is this happening to me? Why can homeless drug addicts get pregnant but I can't? What is the purpose of all of this? It is not fair. And honestly, I feel that way and think those thoughts every single day. It is a dark place inside my brain. I am sure if you asked anyone else that is struggling with infertility, they would agree with me. The thoughts that you think are dark. You want answers to questions that you will never get. You want to blame someone or something but there is nothing or no-one to blame. It would be easier to blame someone or something then to face the harsh reality that there is no answer and there is no explanation. There never will be.

But it isn't easy at all. It is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. I want to be the happy person I was before this. I don't want this process to change me. But the bottom line is that it is changing me. At the end of this road, whenever that may be, I hope I can look back and say that is changed me for the better. And in the meantime, to anyone that I upset or sad mean things to out of anger, please know that I am sorry and I will try better.