12DPIUI....WTF

So today is 12DPIUI. Tested again this morning. Negative again. You would think with each passing month I wouldn't put so much hope into each cycle. But nope. Every single new cycle, I get that little butterfly feeling and think "this is going to be the cycle that works...it has to work this time." And so far, each time, I am 10000% disappointed and let down. But the second I begin the new round, I get excited again. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Yup, it's official I am insane!

I can say that next cycle we will be moving on to injectables. So that is doing something different. I know already that I am going to believe more then ever that the next cycle is going to work just because we are doing something different and more aggressive. It has to work right?

It is so hard to explain how you are feeling to someone who hasn't gone through this or isn't currently experiencing infertility. Each month that it doesn't work and you get that stark white negative test, a part of you dies. I literally lose a piece of myself each time. The sadness overwhelms me. I start to question everything.

What have I done to deserve this?

Why isn't it working?

Why me? Why us?

How much more can we possibly handle?

What is the point of all of this?

Why am I broken?

I know I am not alone in my feelings and there are many couples out there that are going through the same thing and are asking the same questions. I also know that there are many people that have been in our shoes but now they have a child and have had success. 

So now I am grieving the loss of something that I never initially had. I am going to do my best to chin up and be happy for the holidays. I absolutely love this time of year and I really don't want it to be ruined by my own self pity. So that's all for this negative 12dpiui update. Wish I had better news to report!