Christmas & CD 10 - Gonal FFFFFF you!

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I know we did! I was surprisingly upbeat and did not let my infertility get the best of me like I did on Thanksgiving.

We spent Christmas Eve with Tom's family and my family. It is so nice being able to have both of our families in the same place. My family is very close with Tom's family so it makes life a lot more easier. Our families are our biggest support systems. We are so very lucky to have them in our lives.

Each Christmas Eve, Tom and his sisters take turns on who hosts. This year it was his sister Kelly's turn. Everything was great. The food was good, the house was cheery, and the kids were bouncing off the walls. It was just like Christmas Eve should be! We gave the kids their presents and then did an adult Pollyanna. It is always fun to see what you are going to end up with. The gifts were pretty good this year. We ended up with a gift card to our favorite Italian BYOB and a poker table and 4 folding chairs. Not too shabby!

Christmas Day we woke up and exchanged gifts with each other. Tom was in a Michael Kors mood this Christmas. He spoiled me. I got a new rose gold MK watch, MK slippers (who knew they even made these?!), MK leather flats (love and they even fit my wide ass feet), and some prefume and a Labrador Retriever calendar. It is tradition that he gets me the calendar every year (even though I tell him to wait until after the New Year for it to be marked down 75% but he insists on giving it as a Christmas gift). I gave Tom a bunch of random guy things. Jeans, shirts, cologne, a fishing chair, hat, sneakers, sweatshirt, and a case of Surge. Remember Surge from the 90s?? Tom loved it and was so excited to get it again. Coke recently started making it again and sells it exclusively on Amazon.

Then we gave the doggies their stockings. They got busy bones, Frisbees, balls, kongs, and a bunch of other stuff that will ultimately be destroyed.

Here are some pictures from our Christmas:

Christmas Eve

Top: 2013
Bottom: 2014
These kids need to stop growing up so fast!

Christmas Eve! 

Christmas Day

Santa left some stuff for the Labs!

Dunkin Donuts, Breakfast, Surge, MK, and Togetherness!

Wonderful Christmas with great memories!

Christmas Eve I had to give myself my first Gonal F shot all by myself. It wasn't bad at all. Tom came for moral support. It was done in about 3 minutes and then we went back to the festivities. Same thing Christmas Day. It is annoying having to bring the shot with you (which has to be refrigerated) and the disposal canister and the gauze and the alcohol wipes! Geez! It is like bringing a baby and all of their stuff without having a baby yet! Honestly though, the shots aren't bad at all. On the 26th, the day after Christmas we went back for a follow up appointment at the RE to check on things. The RE said that everything is progressing the way it should be and they wanted to see me back on Monday. Man oh man, these co-pays really add up. $50 each time! Sheesh! It's killing us! Yesterday, I went back for another check and looks like there is 1 follicle on the left side and a bunch of little guys on the right. I thought for sure there would be more but the RE said that if we need to do this again next time, we will need to up my dosage. Currently, I am doing 150 per shot. I go back again tomorrow for another check and will do the trigger shot. Then I will do IUI most likely on Friday! Exciting stuff! Hoping this time works but trying not to allow myself to get my hopes up too much! 2015 please be good to us! 

50% chance in the next 4 months?

I went to the RE yesterday for my CD3 ultrasound, blood work, and for them to teach me how to use the injections. Everything looked good on the ultrasound and we are ready to start again.

The nurse showed me how to give myself the injection and it really wasn't bad. I have a killer headache today though and I am chalking it up to the Gonal F. I have to give myself another shot this evening and again tomorrow night. So tonight for Christmas Eve dinner I am bringing the buffalo chicken dip, the spinach dip, some wine, and my Gonal F shot that needs to be put in my sister in law's refrigerator. Definitely something I never thought I would be doing. I will have to slip away for a little and go give myself the shot. Same thing on Christmas day.

Then on Friday, the 26th, I have to go back for a check to make sure the dose is good and doesn't need to be downgraded or upgraded. The only appointment they had was for 7:30 AM. So that's fun! Merry Christmas! Here are some needles and you get to get up bright and early the day after Christmas and drive in so we can probe you some more.

I kid though and deep down, I am very excited about it. So I spoke to the RE for about 2 minutes. He said to me, "let's try to get you pregnant already!" I was like "ummm yeah that is the point!" I can't believe it will be a year in March since we first started going to the RE's office. So he was very excited that we were starting injectables this cycle. Then he said something that I wasn't sure how to take...

"I give you a 50% chance of getting pregnant in the next 4 months"

Is that good or bad? I have no idea what to think about that statement. I don't know if I should be excited or sad. So I was left a little confused...that's different :) 

Last night we celebrated my Mom-Mom's 84th Birthday! She has been in and out of hospitals and rehabs for a year and a half now. At one point she was even on hospice and they told us to prepare ourselves for the end. But Mom Mom Doris had other plans. She said she was not ready to die. So she decided not to die and started fighting. She is probably the strongest person I know. She refuses to give up even when everyone is telling her she should. She doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She does it her way. She will be coming home soon and she is thrilled about it.  Happy 84th Birthday Mom-Mom and many many more! 

My Mom, Mom-Mom, My sister Jenn, and Myself - Mom Mom & Her Girls 

Happy 84th Birthday Mom Mom! I love you! 

The True Meaning Of Christmas

So last evening, we presented the family in need with all of their donations. It was a magical evening. They came in and thought they were just coming to have a slice of pizza with us.

My co-worker started by telling him that after we met with him and he showed us all of his bills, his situation weighed heavily on our hearts. We just had to do something to help. I told him how I reached out on Facebook to my local community and even to other groups on Facebook. People from all over the country contributed to this family's Christmas. I showed him pictures of all of the people that helped make this possible.

As him and his wife were looking at the pictures, his wife started to cry. They were so touched that complete strangers contributed on their behalf. They said they had wished those people were here now so they could hug them and thank them. I cried too. But happy tears. It was an overwhelming experience.

We then told them that everything under the tree was for them. Their 3 year old daughter also got some small gifts to open. The larger toys were held in a separate room for Sara to have a wonderful surprise when she comes down the steps on Christmas morning. They were floored and speechless. They couldn't believe it. They were so grateful.

My heart was so full. I couldn't stop smiling. They couldn't stop smiling. Their daughter was having a blast. We sat and talked and ate pizza and had almost like a family dinner. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, and it was simply amazing.

This process has done more for me than this family will ever know. This is truly what this season is about. Everyone is going through hard times. Try to be a bit nicer to people because we are all fighting a battle. This has taught me that there is still so much good that exists in this world. We tend to only hear the bad things but there is so much good that we don't hear about. To all of those that helped make this family's Christmas a little bit brighter, I want to Thank you! I don't think any of us know how much it has impacted this family. Everyone deserves help sometimes. Good things happen to good people. This is proof.

It was a magical night filled with so much love! 

Here are the toys for Santa to deliver Christmas Eve! 

Merry Christmas! Love one another. Respect one another. Be kind.

CD 2....On to Injectables

So it is definitely over. I can say that without a doubt in my mind. IUI#4 did  not work. I will not get my Christmas wish this year. I am surprisingly handling it really well. Who knows how I will be feeling Christmas Day but for now, I have accepted it and moved on.

Part of the reason I am handling it so well might be the fact that we are moving on to injectables next cycle. What does this mean? Well, I am not totally sure myself but I know that I will basically be giving myself shots everyday for like 2 weeks. And when I say "I will be giving myself shots" I really mean Tom will be giving me shots because there is no way in hell I am sticking a huge ass needle into my thigh muscle.

Seriously though...the needle is HUGE! Not joking...

see?!?! Told YA!

So the meds arrived on my doorstep on Saturday afternoon and were packed on dry ice. I was prescribed Gonal F and Novrel. Some of the medication needs to be refrigerated while some of it doesn't. It came with gauze, alcohol swabs, shit ton of needles, and a disposable waste bin which really freaks me out. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I started to read the booklet and it said that the one medication needs to be stuck into my thigh and needs to get into the muscle. So that's pretty deep. That should be fun.

I will be calling my RE today to inform them of my exciting CD2 news. I am sure I will have to go in tomorrow morning and hopefully get a crash course on injections.

I also read that the chance of multiples is 30%. That's a little scary. I mean, I would be all about twins but anything more then that sounds a bit daunting. But I am getting ahead of myself...I can't even get one baby yet..so let's just try working on one for now Katie.

On a side note, today is the day we are presenting the family in need I wrote about two weeks ago with all of their stuff and donations. It has been an eye opening experience. I am honestly floored by people's generosity. There is still so much good that exists in this world. I cannot wait to see the look on this family's face when we present them with their items. I may not be getting my Christmas wish this year but I think I am helping grant someone else's their Christmas wish!

12DPIUI....WTF

So today is 12DPIUI. Tested again this morning. Negative again. You would think with each passing month I wouldn't put so much hope into each cycle. But nope. Every single new cycle, I get that little butterfly feeling and think "this is going to be the cycle that works...it has to work this time." And so far, each time, I am 10000% disappointed and let down. But the second I begin the new round, I get excited again. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Yup, it's official I am insane!

I can say that next cycle we will be moving on to injectables. So that is doing something different. I know already that I am going to believe more then ever that the next cycle is going to work just because we are doing something different and more aggressive. It has to work right?

It is so hard to explain how you are feeling to someone who hasn't gone through this or isn't currently experiencing infertility. Each month that it doesn't work and you get that stark white negative test, a part of you dies. I literally lose a piece of myself each time. The sadness overwhelms me. I start to question everything.

What have I done to deserve this?

Why isn't it working?

Why me? Why us?

How much more can we possibly handle?

What is the point of all of this?

Why am I broken?

I know I am not alone in my feelings and there are many couples out there that are going through the same thing and are asking the same questions. I also know that there are many people that have been in our shoes but now they have a child and have had success. 

So now I am grieving the loss of something that I never initially had. I am going to do my best to chin up and be happy for the holidays. I absolutely love this time of year and I really don't want it to be ruined by my own self pity. So that's all for this negative 12dpiui update. Wish I had better news to report!

10DPIUI...BLAH

So today is 10DPIUI. I was doing terrific with my TWW up until yesterday. Yesterday, I started the googling and even tested. Now, I know 9DPIUI is very early but no matter what, every time I pee on a stick I always hold my breath and imagine those two glorious lines coming up.

Well they didn't. So yeah. That sucked. It was an internet cheapie test but I literally didn't see anything. I tried to make myself see something, and once or twice I even thought I did but I am pretty confident it was all in my head.

Here is the test...

See anything?? Yeah me neither :( 

So I tested again this morning with a First Response (FRER). That's right, I pulled out the big guns. It was my last FRER in my drawer so it had to work right?? I have lower back pain, my boobs hurt on and off, last night as I was wrapping presents I kept getting waves of nausea. I was so sure it would work. I woke up at 5AM because I had to pee and figured well here goes nothing! First morning urine is supposed to be the best!

Here is the test....

My FRER! WAH :( Feel like I wasted it

So here I am...sitting here....analyzing...googling....symptom spotting...feeling depressed. I know I am still early but I honestly thought that I would see even the faintest of faintest squinter by now. 

Next cycle, assuming this one doesn't work, we are supposed to start injectables. Now I don't understand anything about them. I just know that I need to have them at my house right away as soon as my cycle starts. Now this leads me to another predicament in which I will most likely over analyze. I will probably start my period early next week. Well Christmas is next week! The pharmacy ships the drugs out to you overnight. But what if they are closed on Christmas? Should I call now and just bite the bullet and pay for the drugs even though there's a chance I may not need them? Oh, why can nothing be easy? 

Guess that's life for ya. 

So Happy freaking Tuesday...blahhhh

TWW Distraction: Paying it Forward

So today I am 5DPIUI. I feel completely normal. I have a minor headache but again, it may or may not be related. I have been doing awesome this TWW with not googling anything or thinking about it too much. Luckily I have been super busy with work and events during the week. Tonight I am getting my hair did and I am so freaking excited for it. Nothing better then a fresh head of hair!! Highlights all around please!! I have also been distracted due to a project I am working on for a family in need. I wanted to share it with you..

Ok, so without going into too much detail about where I work, I want to share a story with all of you (I love how I say all of you like there are a million readers out there)!
I work at a Bank. We own lots of properties that were foreclosed on. We had to take back many of these properties at Sheriff Sale because the borrower stopped paying us. Now, don't hate us and think we are mean, money grubbing, typical big banks. We are a small community Bank. We only have six branches. Many of these properties were rental properties for the borrowers. These were not the homes that they actually lived in. Many of the properties are located in poor and bad neighborhoods. The borrowers never kept up on maintenance or paying any of the utility bills or taxes. They used these properties as rentals and took advantage of people who just needed a place to call home. The borrowers aka slum lords would simply go by at the beginning of every month and collect the rent and then wouldn't be seen again for another month. If the house had maintenance issues, 9 out of 10 times, it wasn't taken care of.


So anyways, when we inherited these properties, many of them came with tenants in them. Mind you many of these "tenants" were families. Mothers and Fathers with their children. We took over the position of Landlord for them. This experience has been both gratifying and frustrating at the same time.

I have seen people take advantage of the governmental assistance programs out there and I have seen the other end of the spectrum where people who truly need help are denied. We hear stories almost daily about family members being shot, jobs lost, children getting into trouble with the law, children being sick in the hospital, etc. It is so draining sometimes. So this brings me to the point of this story...

We have a tenant. For privacy reasons, I will change his name to "Brian". Brian is married to his wife "Mary" and together they have a 3 year old daughter "Annie". They have been living in their home for well over 5 years now. Brian works full time as a security officer. He works the night shift. His parents live in Georgia and are both very ill. Brian sends his parents money every month to help with medical expenses. Because of this, Brian is behind on all of his bills and rent payments. He is just not bringing in enough money to survive. He hasn't paid rent since August of this year. His monthly rental amount is $500.00 but between living expenses, gas, food, bills, etc. he is unable to make his rent payments. We do not want to see Brian have to be evicted but understand that as a business we do need to have a tenant that can afford to pay rent. Brian has been doing odds and ends jobs for the Bank which we apply towards his past due rent. We met with him and he brought in all of his bills and pay stubs and tax returns. He laid his life on the table. I don't care if you are a man or woman, that is something that is not easy to do. Imagine bringing in all of your bills to sit down with people that you barely know. That takes an insane amount of courage. After reviewing all of his paperwork, we realized there was really nothing that he could give up or cut back on in order to help him get out of debt. He was simply over extended. He left the meeting stating that he had faith everything was going to work out and he has been praying on this.

After the meeting, my mind kept going back to him and his family. I thought about what it took for him to do that and the feeling he must have had as he left the meeting. We basically confirmed to him that he was in trouble and we really didn't see a way out for him. Then it dawned on me. Katie, you can help him! You can maybe play a small role in being his way out. So I decided right then and there that I was going to try to get donations together for this family. Whether it be clothes for Mary, toys, gift cards to food stores or gas stations, diapers/wipes, or basic tolietrees or even money towards their bills. I was going to do everything I could to help make their life a little bit easier. We are in the season of giving right? This is what it is all about right?

So I posted something on my Facebook page and the responses I got were incredible. Complete strangers offering whatever they could to help. My Mom's boss donated $100. I met two people last evening and they donated coloring books, crayons, and brand new clothing and hair accessories. Someone offered to provide Christmas dinner for them. Another complete stranger offered to provide them with a tree. A woman just dropped off a Wal-Mart gift card in my mail box.
I couldn't believe it. I truly cried tears of happiness on my way home from meeting the people that donated the items. I am completely surprised and I have a renewed faith in humanity. There are good people still in the world. I am scheduled to meet people on Friday evening and again on Saturday morning. I will also be going around picking things up for people. Another person I work with is helping me with this also. It really does remind you that your life isn't so bad after all.

If anyone reading this feels inclined to purchase or donate something please send me an email at katie395@gmail.com. We also created a registry on Amazon of things that we know the family needs/likes.

You can go here: Gordon Family Wish List

Items will be sent directly to my home and I will be sure the family gets them! The family does not have any idea that we are doing this for them. They did not request anything nor did they ask. We are simply trying to help give them a fighting chance and a brighter future! 

Thanks in Advanced for helping me pay it forward! 

Update: IUI 4

After my mid-cycle check on CD15, I went back 2 days later on Friday, 12/5/14. My eggs were bigger. I still had two. That's a good sign. Here are my two little eggies:

Aren't they precious???

I was told to come back the following day and we would do the IUI. So bright and early on a rainy Saturday morning, Tom and I trucked into the Fertility Clinic. Tom had his goods in hand. He still thinks it is so weird but I don't think anything of it anymore. The IUI was scheduled for 9:30. We were both in good spirits and I brought my fuzziest socks I own. I heard this theory - warm feet = warm uterus?? Not sure how true it is but hey why not? Plus it is an excuse to wear my fun cat with glasses fuzzy socks!

So we got there and waited and waited some more. It was fine though. It was a Saturday and understood that they were running behind. We entertained ourselves. They finally called me back. I immediately saw an ultrasound tech that was friends with my Sister in Law. I knew she worked there but had never seen her in the 9 months that I had been going to the RE. She gave me a big hug and she was going to check to see if I had ovulated. I already felt like it was a good sign that she was there.

I went and got probed. Good news - both eggs released on their own! They washed the sperm and were getting it ready to insert it all up into my junk. So romantic. They came in and gave us Tom's sperm numbers. He is always so excited to hear if he beat last times numbers. I can't remember what the exact numbers were but the Dr said they were above normal which was good to hear. Our Dr. was not on this weekend so we had the other Dr. I never had him for anything before but he was nice. The two follicles were on my right ovary so he said he was going to aim towards the right.

After it was done and the worst part was over, I just laid on the table for 10 minutes. While we were waiting, we decided that we would take a trip into the City and get some shopping done. As we were walking to the parking Toms phone rang. It was his work. He was on call. He had to go in. Bummer. I decided just to take the ride with him into work. The weather was crappy so we decided to bag the shopping trip and just grabbed something to eat after he was done at work.

Here is a pic of me on the way to his job site. I wanted to keep my feet warm and elevated. Tom thought I was ridiculous but I figured every little bit helps right?

So we went and had breakfast and came home and decorated the inside of our house for Christmas. Later that night we went to the Mall and did some minor shopping. I was a bit crampy and tired but nothing out of the ordinary. It also didn't help that we are fostering a 6 week old puppy that literally has to pee every 10 minutes. She is adorable though :) We called her Piper. She was adopted yesterday by her forever family and they named her Lucy.

She was so much fun to have but honestly, I am glad to have my normal routine with my house trained dogs! But we do love helping out the SPCA and fostering. This was our 5th foster puppy. 

So today is 4DPIUI. I don't feel any differently. I feel cramps here and there but I am not sure if that's gas or just a normal part of being a human. I have been crazy busy which is a good thing because it hasn't really allowed me to focus on the IUI. I will probably start testing this weekend because I am a freak and won't be able to stop myself.

Lucky Number 4????

So after three failed IUI cycles, I am rapidly approaching the day we will do our 4th IUI cycle and it will be our 5th Clomid cycle.

Last time, I was so sure it was going to work. I had 4 beautiful follicles. The numbers were all in our favor. So when it didn't work, I was devastated. Completely heartbroken. This time was worse then any other time just because I was so sure it would work. But it didn't and that sucks.

So today is CD15. I had my mid-cycle check this morning. I have 2 follicles this time. In the past hearing that I had two follicles would have made me upset but considering last time I had 4 and it didn't work, I don't think it really matters how many. All you need is 1 egg and 1 sperm.

They took bloodwork and are thinking I will ovulate in the next 2 days. I go back Friday for another check and will most likely be doing IUI #4 on Saturday.
Yay...another $460!! I honestly do not know how we are making it work with the finances. My parents helped pay for one IUI cycle and that was so generous of them. They help us out so much.
With the cost of co-pays, the medication, and then the procedures themselves, it really adds up.

This time of year is especially difficult due to the holidays. I keep wondering if this one will work. I am so excited and scared all at the same time. My test day will most likely be Dec 20. Five days before Christmas.

I feel like this time will make or break my Christmas and that sucks. If it works and is positive, it will be the best Christmas ever but if it doesn't work, I know I will be so devastated and really do not want it to ruin the holidays.

If this time doesn't work, we will move on to IUI with injectables next cycle. I already got the quote and luckily it is covered and we will only need to pay $40 out of pocket for the needles! Then I get to stick myself with them everyday! Doesn't that sound fantastic?

I hope there is no next time. I hope that IUI#4 is the lucky cycle for us. I hope we get our Christmas miracle!

An Open Apology

So since this whole process has begun, I have become an increasingly bitchy person. I act as though the whole world is out to get me. I act as though I am the only person that is struggling or going through something. As if everyone owes me something because I am having a difficult time.

I ruined Thanksgiving this year. It was at my house and I was stressed. The cooking and cleaning got to me. It also didn't help that I was in a God awful mood the entire day. There was no making me happy. I sabotaged the day on purpose. I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was mad and angry and bitter. I have no idea why I did this. I don't know if it was the Clomid or just the whole infertility process catching up to me.

Bottom line, I was a bitch. I made my sister leave when all she did was ask if I needed help with anything. I picked on my Mom the entire day for no reason. At the dinner table everyone said something they were thankful for and my response was "that this is almost over."

Really?

Just typing that made my stomach hurt. That is not the type of person I am. I am extremely grateful for everything good in my life and I love the holidays. It makes me sad that I allowed this process to get to me and affect me so deeply which made me ruin Thanksgiving.

So to anyone that I upset, I am sorry. I know I was wrong. I knew I was acting like a bitch but it was like a train that I couldn't stop. I hate the way I acted. I am doing my best to turn my way of thinking around but it is going to take time.

The truth is, I do feel slighted. I do feel like the world is out to get me. I do feel like I am owed an explanation. Why is this happening to me? Why can homeless drug addicts get pregnant but I can't? What is the purpose of all of this? It is not fair. And honestly, I feel that way and think those thoughts every single day. It is a dark place inside my brain. I am sure if you asked anyone else that is struggling with infertility, they would agree with me. The thoughts that you think are dark. You want answers to questions that you will never get. You want to blame someone or something but there is nothing or no-one to blame. It would be easier to blame someone or something then to face the harsh reality that there is no answer and there is no explanation. There never will be.

But it isn't easy at all. It is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. I want to be the happy person I was before this. I don't want this process to change me. But the bottom line is that it is changing me. At the end of this road, whenever that may be, I hope I can look back and say that is changed me for the better. And in the meantime, to anyone that I upset or sad mean things to out of anger, please know that I am sorry and I will try better.

There Is Always Something to Be Thankful For

So as I sit here on this dreary, cold, rainy that will turn into ugly snow slushie mixture Thanksgiving Eve morning, I realize that I have so many things in my life to be thankful for.

While I do have struggles, for the most part, I have a pretty great life.
I have a wonderful husband, an unbelievably loyal family, two of the happiest dogs in the world, a place to lie my head at night, a car to get myself to work, and friends that will be there no matter how late it is or where I am.

I know there are many people that do not have any of those things I listed above. That makes me sad and grateful all at the same time. You see, everyone is going through a struggle. Whether they lost their job, their home was foreclosed on, a loved one passed away, cancer diagnosis, and the list goes on and on. I am not the only one who is struggling. I need to take a moment to recognize that while it feels like the world is completely against only me sometimes, there are other people that feel the same exact way.

I know one day I will have a family. I don't know when or how but I just know that it will happen.
I just have to wait my turn. I know a blessing is coming my way and for that, I am so thankful.

I hope anyone who is reading this has a wonderful Thanksgiving and finds at least one thing to be thankful for. Remember, there is always someone who is going through something. Find comfort in that you are not alone even though you may feel like it at times. Blessings are coming...

Shattered Part 2

After I hung up the phone, while standing out front of Chickies and Pete's, I immediately called Tom. I felt like I was in a bad dream. I didn't understand what was happening. Did I really just hear her correctly? Why is this happening? I don't know what to do right now. I don't understand. These thoughts were racing through my head on a never ending loop.

Tom answered and I told him exactly what the Nurse at the Dr's office told me. I was sobbing and could barely get any words out. He kept saying, "What?" "Why?" "What does this mean?"

We were both asking each other questions that could not be answered.

We both agreed that we would be leaving work right away.

I got myself somewhat together, put on my sunglasses and headed back into the restaurant. I kept my sunglasses on inside. I am sure it was obvious to Ali and my other co-worker that something was wrong. I immediately lied about who was on the phone and said it was my sister. Ali knew though. She knew something was wrong and she knew it had to do with the pregnancy.
She was so sweet. She said okay, well we better get back to work and made small talk the entire car ride back just so I didn't have to talk. I held it together. I have no idea how. We walked into work, walked into her office, shut the door, and I lost it. She hugged me and she let me cry. She cried with me. She told me just to leave work and don't worry about anything else right now.

I went out the back door so I wouldn't have to see anyone. Got in the car and drove home. I was numb.

I called my Mom who at this point didn't even know I was pregnant. I was a mess. Screaming and crying. Trying to explain what had happened. I didn't want to say the word "Miscarriage" out loud.
She was so upset and so worried about me.

I called Tom again. He was so upset. He was upset for himself, upset for me, upset for us. He called his family and told them the news. On Monday when we received the news that my blood test was positive he went out and bought cigars and flowers and was telling the cashiers at the places that he just found out he was going to be a Dad. He was so excited and now his world was shattered too.

 I got home and went upstairs to our bedroom. Crawled into bed with my doggies and just sobbed. Uncontrollably. Every part of my body ached. I physically hurt. Tom came home and we both just laid in bed. Not knowing what to say. I remember saying repeatedly, "I just don't understand, I just don't understand."

I still don't understand.

Shattered

In June, Tom and I underwent what is called an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). I was prescribed Clomid to help induce ovulation and then we would do the IUI right around ovulation time. We learned that our insurance did not cover the cost of IUI. We would be spending $457.00 each time we did an IUI. This cycle, I had two mature follicles. That was great news. We went ahead and scheduled the IUI. The day of the IUI, they did an ultrasound and we learned that I did not ovulate yet but based on the size of the follicles, I would most likely ovulate in the next day. So Dr. G decided that we would need to do another IUI the following day. Luckily if you do more than one IUI in the same cycle, the second one is half off. Kind of like Payless's BOGO deal...except you don't get shoes.

We went ahead and did back to back IUIs and then we waited. It was the longest 10 days of my life. I will never forget the day when we took that test, and there were two lines. I had never seen two lines. We were ecstatic. It was a Saturday. I will never forget it. June 28, 2014. We had tickets to the Phillies game that day. It was an anniversary gift that I had gotten Tom. The first year is paper, hence the tickets. 

We were on cloud nine the entire day. At the baseball game, we even bought a bib to have a memento from the day we found out we were expecting.

We did not tell anyone yet. I call the Dr's office first thing on Monday morning and they had me come in for a blood test. They called later that day. My HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were 27. I was pregnant. 

I remember calling Tom outside of work and we were both crying and so happy and excited all at the same time. I had to go back to the Dr's office on Thursday to make sure my levels were doubling the appropriate amount. 

Those days leading up to Thursday were the happiest days. We calculate that our baby would be due in March. March 11, 2015. We started talking about names and the nursery. I don't think we ever smiled as much in our lives as we did those couple of days. We were planning on telling our immediate family on the 4th of July (it's my Moms birthday). We purchased a onesie that says "My First Fourth" and we were going to wrap it up and give it to my Mom as a present. We were so excited to tell our close family about our news. 

On Thursday, July 3, 2014 I went back to the Dr's office. I got my blood taken and then went back to work to finish the remainder of the day. It felt like a Friday since the 4th of July was the following day and work would be closed. 

That same day, my best friend Ali asked me if I had found out how the IUI went. I told her I didn't know anything yet. Yes, I lied to my best friend. Obviously, I wasn't a very good liar because she asked me again a couple minutes later when we were in the conference room and I just started smiling and crying and shook my head yes. She started crying and we were both crying and laughing. She was so happy for us. She was the first and only person I told. 

Later that day, Ali and I and another co-worker went out to lunch.  We were at Chickies and Pete's. I remember trying to figure out secretly if there was any food or drinks that I shouldn't be eating. In the middle of eating our lunch, my phone rang. I looked and saw it was the Dr's office. My heart immediately started beating. I ran out of the restaurant to take the call outside. 

I answered the phone and then with one sentence, my world shattered. 

"We received your results back and your levels aren't doubling and we believe you are experiencing a miscarriage."

My whole world was shattered with that one sentence.

Maybe Next Year's Christmas Card...

Today is November 17, 2014. Next week is Thanksgiving. Everyone knows the second Thanksgiving dinner is over and the turkey is put into Tupperware, the Christmas tree's get hauled out, the lights get strung, and Christmas music is on every station for the next month.

I absolutely LOVE this time of year. Spending time with family and friends, baking cookies, decorating the house, cutting down a tree, shopping, wrapping, all of it. I live for it. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. When you live in the infertility world though, the holidays lose a small sense of luster for you. Every holiday, couples that struggle with infertility are reminded of their struggles, especially at Christmas time. Christmas time is all about children. Seeing kids sit on Santa's lap at the mall, writing their Christmas lists, seeing their eyes light up when Santa comes down the street on a fire truck. The innocence in their eyes brings everyone back to their own childhood.

As a person dealing with infertility, it is also a reminder of my diagnosis. It was just last year that I was dreaming of announcing a pregnancy on our Christmas cards or surprising our families on Christmas day by wrapping an ultrasound picture. I even held off purchasing my Christmas cards just for the small possibility that I might get pregnant and be able to announce it then.

Here I am one year later. I am having the same thoughts in my head as last year. This year, I thought, would be the year we would have a child on our card or at least an ultrasound photo. Unfortunately, this is not the year for us. I will end up buying generic holiday cards and mailing them out to family and friends. In return, I will receive tons of cards with pictures of babies and families on them. I love getting cards and seeing people's families grow. I do not want to come off bitter about that in any way. It does sting though and as I said before, it is a small reminder of what is missing in my life.

I am hoping with any ounce of hope that is left in my soul, that next Christmas, I will have a child or ultrasound picture to put on our holiday card. "Maybe next year" is becoming an all too familiar phrase...

Clomid, HSG, IUI, and Bears..oh my!

The day finally arrived. March 13, 2014. It was time for our appointment with our RE. We had a slew of paperwork to fill out prior to our appointment. We arrived and met with the doctor. I will refer to him as Dr. G. We sat in his office and he basically confirmed that I had PCOS. He told us that our chances for trying were 0-0 because I never ovulated on my own. He said he would rather see 0-0 then 0-10. At least, with an 0-0 record, he could try to fix the ovulation issue and that would give us a fighting chance.

Dr. G ordered me a full lab work up. I got blood taken there in the office and then had to go to the hospital to get a million more gallons taken. He wanted to check everything off of the list. He also said he would need to get a semen analysis. He was not thrilled about that but he knew it was what needed to be done. Dr. G also spat our words and acronyms that had no meaning to me such as: Clomid, HSG, and IUI. Huh? I had no clue what he was referring to. I just nodded and tried to take it all in. He said that they were going to start doing a number of things right away to get the ball started. I loved his aggressive-ness and enthusiasm. I loved that someone was finally listening to me.

In addition to the blood work, I also had an ultrasound done that day in the office. They told me that the ultrasound showed that my uterine lining was EXTREMELY thick. He ordered me a prescription for Provera. I had to take 1 pill a day for 10 days and then I should expect my cycle to start shortly after. He warned that it was going to be an awful cycle and boy was it ever. I will spare you the details, let's just say, I didn't think I would survive it.

The other really fun part was having a Cycle Day (CD) 3 ultrasound done. So after I finished taking the Provera, and once I finally got a period, I was supposed to call Dr. G and they made an appointment for me to come in for a CD 3 ultrasound. Did I mention the ultrasounds are done internally, as in vaginally? Yeah so um, imagine having that done during the worst period imaginable. Not good times at all. I was scarred for life after that appointment. The CD3 ultrasound showed that my lining was still very thick and I would need to go on Provera again. Ugh! What a bummer. This is why I am pissed at my gyno. She acted as though it was no big deal that I hadn't gotten a cycle when in fact it is a very big deal. Dr. G explained to me that allowing your uterine lining to build up like that puts you at an increased risk for uterine cancer. That was a hard sentence to hear. No one wants to hear that they are at an increased risk for any kind of cancer. I decided then and there that I would be switching gynos.

My blood work came back normal. Well not normal but what they expected it to show for a patient with PCOS. So I was left just waiting for a cycle again. Story of my life...

What's wrong with me?

After being diagnosed with PCOS by my gyno, she prescribed me a medication called Metformin. Metformin is used for insulin resistance. Metformin is commonly used for people with diabetes but it has been known to help women with PCOS. If you want to read more about it, go here:

http://www.webmd.com/women/metformin-glucophage-for-polycystic-ovary-syndrome

But don't stay on WebMD for too long because that place is legit scary!

I was told by my gyno to start out taking 500mg (1 pill) and then slowly work my way up to 1000mg. Metformin is known to wreck your stomach. And boy did it ever. My stomach was so messed up for the first couple of weeks. Anytime I ate a carb, I paid for it later. Literally it was awful. Like so gross and so freaking awful. This is why so many women lose weight on this medication when they first start taking it. I lost about 10lbs which is not much but definitely better than nothing. I finally worked my way up to 1000mg/daily and I even got a cycle after 40 days. I was so excited and thought that it was starting to regulate my body. Then, I didn't get another cycle for over 100 days.

During that 100 day lull, when I was just waiting, feeling like a ticking time bomb, a high-school friend of mine had reached out to me. She had experienced two miscarriages and we had discussed our struggles with each other. She recently starting going to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) aka Fertility Specialist and highly recommend that I go see him also. I made an appointment that very day. This was March 2014...7 months ago. Tom and I were very excited and finally felt like we were taking control of the situation. Up until this point, I was not really getting any guidance from my gyno and I felt more or less like a pain every time I called. I didn't understand why I wasn't getting my period normally and why it didn't seem like a big deal to her. I felt like I was broken. I felt like I was letting Tom down. Who wants to marry someone that is going to have trouble having children? I thought about it and dwelled on it all the time. I cried when I saw babies or when I heard other people were pregnant. It was not an easy time in our marriage. I was not a happy person. I felt broken and I was mad. I was mad at God and angry that other people didn't struggle like I did. Looking back on that dark time now, I am happy to say that those days of thinking that way are for the most part over with. Sure, I still get upset, and I still ask "Why Me?" but then I let it go and hold on to the tiny sliver of hope. Knowing that a lot of women are going through this also helps. Knowing you aren't alone is one of the most comforting things. I would have dark days but definitely more sunny days then rainy days. I clung to the hope that one day we would be parents. One day we would be holding a baby in our arms. We couldn't wait to meet my RE.

The Lucky Ones

So the main reason that I picked my blog back up was due to something very personal that we have been struggling with. We both knew that we wanted to have children. That was never a question for us. I have loved babies and kids since I was little and couldn't wait to be a mommy one day. In August 2013, we started officially trying. And by trying I mean, I stopped taking my birth control and we were just going to see what happened. I had always had a feeling in the back of my head that I would have trouble conceiving. I am not sure why I had the feeling, but I just did. When it came time to start though, I thought maybe we would be one of the lucky ones that it just happens to right away. 

Unfortunately, we were not one of the lucky ones. I hadn't had a normal cycle in many months. I had no idea if I was even ovulating. I contacted my gyno and she assured me it was just my body adjusting to being off of birth control. After I didn't get a cycle for a couple months, I finally made an appointment to go in and discuss things with my gyno. She ran a series of bloodwork. When the results came back, she informed me that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

For those of you that do not know what PCOS is, here is a brief description from  PCOS Foundation. org (http://www.pcosfoundation.org/index.php):

PCOS is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome, and is one of the most common hormonal endocrine disorders in women. PCOS has been recognized and diagnosed for seventy-five years. There are many signs and symptoms that a woman may experience. Since PCOS cannot be diagnosed with one test alone and symptoms vary from woman to woman, PCOS has been known as the “Silent Killer”. Early diagnosis of PCOS is important as it has been linked to an increased risk for developing several medical risks including insulin resistance, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and heart disease.

Many women may experience weight gain or obesity, yet there are others who may be very lean. Multiple cysts on ovaries in a "string of pearls” pattern is also an indicator for PCOS. In addition, this hormonal imbalance can cause Insulin Resistance, which is also a prime indicator that you may have PCOS. Women suffering from PCOS may experience high testosterone levels, which cause other signs and symptoms such as Hirsutism (excessive hair growth), male pattern baldness and acne. This high level of testosterone can also prevent the ovaries from releasing an egg each month.

5-10% of women of childbearing age are affected by PCOS, with less than 50% of women diagnosed. This leaves millions of women undiagnosed. PCOS is responsible for 70% of infertility issues in women who have difficulty ovulating. Post menopausal women can also suffer from PCOS.

Studies have shown that approximately 40% of patients with diabetes and/or glucose intolerance between the ages of 20-50 have PCOS.

In addition, some studies have found that if a mother has PCOS, there is a 50% chance that her daughter will have PCOS.

The good news is that early diagnosis and proper education can help women lower all these risk factors and live a happy, healthier life.

So of course when I was told of my diagnosis, I was devastated. The internet is not a kind place when you are trying to conceive (TTC). There are millions of women struggling and millions of stories out there. Some are good, and some are not so good. It is so difficult to read heartbreaking stories from women that just want to be a mom. It seems like such a simple thing right? They teach us in high school that it only takes one time and BAM your life can change forever. But as I have learned and as many other couples out there know, it can take many many more times then once. It can take years. 

So this brings me to my post today. I wanted to start this not only for myself, to keep a little journal of my journey, but for anyone else out there who is going through this process. We have been trying for over a year now. We are not pregnant yet. It is something that I think about every single day of my life. I know one day it will happen for us, but until then, the battle both inside my mind and outside will continue to wear on us. I will share more about what happened after my diagnosis and different things that we tried to help our chances soon. 

Lemon Showers

So I am doing this blog a little backwards, but it is my blog so I can do what I want right? I know I skipped over a ton of important details and events leading up to the wedding. One of them that I must share with you is my AAAAAAmazing bridal shower. I am not kidding it was unreal. My bridesmaids and Mom did an outstanding job. The place was gorgeous, the food was delicious, and the details were incredible. We all know what my new last name is. Lemon. Yes, just like the fruit. So my bridesmaids decided to go with a lemon themed shower.

It was at Trattoria Giuseppe's in this big room. All of my closest family and friends were there. My sister in law even made a lemonade stand as a wishing well.

I will not blab any more,  I will just get on to the good stuff and show you some pictures!

                                                         a lemon themed dessert table!

                                                  who else has a lemonade stand at their shower?

the mason jar centerpieces were adorbable

favors for every guest! lemonade mix (in a mason jar), a lemon head, and a lemon candy stick! 

                                             my friends and family are very generous

love this LEMON framed piece

this hanger is precious

my sister and Jeanene making the final touches! 

my 'maids'

my heart <3 my sister Jenn, Mom Mom Doris, Mom, and cousin Nikki 

I can go on and on about how wonderful it was but really I just want to thank my wonderful bridesmaids and mom. They put their heart and soul into the shower and made it so special for me right down to the lemon drops on every plate. I cannot imagine the time and money they spent but they were happy to do it. That is why I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have these people in my corner. They are there for me no matter what. At the end of the day, it isn't about lemon drops or mason jars, it is about who is standing beside you. I am so blessed to have these wonderful women standing beside me throughout this roller coaster ride called life. 

Update: Wedding & Honeymoon 1 Year Late!

So it has been some time since I have blogged. I kinda stopped leading up to the wedding. Life got crazy and I had a crap ton of things to get done for the wedding that I did not have time to blog about it! Don't worry, there was still a wedding and it was absolutely beautiful! We have been married for a little over a year now. It was truly the best day of my life.

For our honeymoon we went to Nassau, Bahamas and stayed at an amazing resort. The water was crystal clear, the sand was white, and the drinks were cold. We relaxed by the pool and on the private island almost everyday. We went into the city and did some shopping. We also swam with the Dolphins. We had a wonderful time and cannot wait to go back one day. 

Married life has been great. Not much has changed which I guess is a good thing. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary on Easter. We went back to The Desmond and stayed over night. We went out to eat and had some drinks. We did miss our puppies though! We got up early and celebrated Easter with our families. And YES we did eat our cake from our wedding day. It wasn't awful but lets just say, I wasn't anxious to have another slice!  It was a wonderful way to spend our anniversary weekend. 

Tom got me a beautiful necklace! I got him an UP card and tickets to the Phillies (paper)

Our cake and Easter Day Fun! 

And before I go, here is one more picture just because they are so darn cute!

BFFs