I absolutely LOVE this time of year. Spending time with family and friends, baking cookies, decorating the house, cutting down a tree, shopping, wrapping, all of it. I live for it. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. When you live in the infertility world though, the holidays lose a small sense of luster for you. Every holiday, couples that struggle with infertility are reminded of their struggles, especially at Christmas time. Christmas time is all about children. Seeing kids sit on Santa's lap at the mall, writing their Christmas lists, seeing their eyes light up when Santa comes down the street on a fire truck. The innocence in their eyes brings everyone back to their own childhood.
As a person dealing with infertility, it is also a reminder of my diagnosis. It was just last year that I was dreaming of announcing a pregnancy on our Christmas cards or surprising our families on Christmas day by wrapping an ultrasound picture. I even held off purchasing my Christmas cards just for the small possibility that I might get pregnant and be able to announce it then.
Here I am one year later. I am having the same thoughts in my head as last year. This year, I thought, would be the year we would have a child on our card or at least an ultrasound photo. Unfortunately, this is not the year for us. I will end up buying generic holiday cards and mailing them out to family and friends. In return, I will receive tons of cards with pictures of babies and families on them. I love getting cards and seeing people's families grow. I do not want to come off bitter about that in any way. It does sting though and as I said before, it is a small reminder of what is missing in my life.
I am hoping with any ounce of hope that is left in my soul, that next Christmas, I will have a child or ultrasound picture to put on our holiday card. "Maybe next year" is becoming an all too familiar phrase...
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