IUI#6

So by the title of this post, you can safely assume that IUI#5 did not work. I knew it. I said before that I just had a strong feeling that it wasn't going to work. I tested on January 17 like I was told too and it was positive. Clear as day. It was light but still positive. I didn't know whether to be excited or happy. I had my guard up. I also started spotting. I called the on-call RE just because I was worried. What if I am pregnant and I am spotting? Is it still the booster HCG shot? What should I do? She called me back and basically told me that the booster should be out of my system. So either I was pregnant and spotting was common in early pregnancy or I was having a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Lovely. Luckily, I kept my guard up and on Monday morning AF arrived in full force. Good Morning and Happy Monday to you too!! Ugh, another failed cycle. Another disappointment. I called the RE and told them my news. I was told to come in for my baseline so we can start again. This was all starting to get old...

So when I went in for my CD3 baseline ultrasound and blood, I had some questions for the RE. I wanted to know how many times I should continue doing the IUIs. Am I wasting our money each month? Is there something else wrong with me? Do I have endometriosis? Here I go again with my questions.

The PA (Physician's Assistant) who I see often is so sweet. She listened to my concerns. She heard me. She was just as frustrated. She did not sugar coat things for me which is what I wanted and needed. She told me that I was definitely one of their more stubborn patients and my body wasn't responding the way that they want it too. She also said that she really does believe that IUI with injectables will work for me and that only 20% of their patients have to go on to do IVF. She said that I had my age on my side. She also said, that she understands that it is hard to hear these things. She wants it to work just as much as I do. She told me that we were going to go forward with IUI#6 and that they were going to UP my Gonal F dosage from 150 to 225 everyday. She also recommended that we do another HSG test. This is a test where they inject dye into your uterus and watch it on an Xray machine. The dye is supposed to flow through your tubes and spill out. This will show whether or not your tube are blocked. Welp, on Monday, January 26 I had the HSG done. Guess what...

Right tube blocked. 

Lovely. I was both annoyed and kind of relieved at the same time. Annoyed that I didn't know about this a year ago and relieved in a way that maybe this was the reason it wasn't happening for us. All of those times I thought I had 3-4 follicles, I may have only actually had 1 on the left side. The follicles on the right don't have a chance since the tube is blocked. I asked what the next step is after finding out it is blocked. They said there really wasn't anything more we could do and to just keep moving forward. I know you can have a surgery done to try to clear the blockage and that may be an option down the line.


Today is CD11. I got my HCG trigger shot yesterday and had an IUI this morning. I had in total five follicles. Three of the five were on the left ovary and they said my lead follicle was on the left side. This was good news. I will go back again tomorrow for another IUI. I should ovulate sometime today. Both my RE and the PA were very pleased with my cycle. I got congratulated on what a good cycle it looks like. I have heard this all before though. This is definitely the earliest I have ever gotten an IUI done. In the beginning, I was a late ovulater...like CD18-20 and now I am ovulating on CD11. Crazy!!

So after I have the IUI again tomorrow, the TWW begins. I can only hope and pray and try to keep the faith and IUI#6 is the one that will work for us.

Shattered Part 2

After I hung up the phone, while standing out front of Chickies and Pete's, I immediately called Tom. I felt like I was in a bad dream. I didn't understand what was happening. Did I really just hear her correctly? Why is this happening? I don't know what to do right now. I don't understand. These thoughts were racing through my head on a never ending loop.

Tom answered and I told him exactly what the Nurse at the Dr's office told me. I was sobbing and could barely get any words out. He kept saying, "What?" "Why?" "What does this mean?"

We were both asking each other questions that could not be answered.

We both agreed that we would be leaving work right away.

I got myself somewhat together, put on my sunglasses and headed back into the restaurant. I kept my sunglasses on inside. I am sure it was obvious to Ali and my other co-worker that something was wrong. I immediately lied about who was on the phone and said it was my sister. Ali knew though. She knew something was wrong and she knew it had to do with the pregnancy.
She was so sweet. She said okay, well we better get back to work and made small talk the entire car ride back just so I didn't have to talk. I held it together. I have no idea how. We walked into work, walked into her office, shut the door, and I lost it. She hugged me and she let me cry. She cried with me. She told me just to leave work and don't worry about anything else right now.

I went out the back door so I wouldn't have to see anyone. Got in the car and drove home. I was numb.

I called my Mom who at this point didn't even know I was pregnant. I was a mess. Screaming and crying. Trying to explain what had happened. I didn't want to say the word "Miscarriage" out loud.
She was so upset and so worried about me.

I called Tom again. He was so upset. He was upset for himself, upset for me, upset for us. He called his family and told them the news. On Monday when we received the news that my blood test was positive he went out and bought cigars and flowers and was telling the cashiers at the places that he just found out he was going to be a Dad. He was so excited and now his world was shattered too.

 I got home and went upstairs to our bedroom. Crawled into bed with my doggies and just sobbed. Uncontrollably. Every part of my body ached. I physically hurt. Tom came home and we both just laid in bed. Not knowing what to say. I remember saying repeatedly, "I just don't understand, I just don't understand."

I still don't understand.

Maybe Next Year's Christmas Card...

Today is November 17, 2014. Next week is Thanksgiving. Everyone knows the second Thanksgiving dinner is over and the turkey is put into Tupperware, the Christmas tree's get hauled out, the lights get strung, and Christmas music is on every station for the next month.

I absolutely LOVE this time of year. Spending time with family and friends, baking cookies, decorating the house, cutting down a tree, shopping, wrapping, all of it. I live for it. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. When you live in the infertility world though, the holidays lose a small sense of luster for you. Every holiday, couples that struggle with infertility are reminded of their struggles, especially at Christmas time. Christmas time is all about children. Seeing kids sit on Santa's lap at the mall, writing their Christmas lists, seeing their eyes light up when Santa comes down the street on a fire truck. The innocence in their eyes brings everyone back to their own childhood.

As a person dealing with infertility, it is also a reminder of my diagnosis. It was just last year that I was dreaming of announcing a pregnancy on our Christmas cards or surprising our families on Christmas day by wrapping an ultrasound picture. I even held off purchasing my Christmas cards just for the small possibility that I might get pregnant and be able to announce it then.

Here I am one year later. I am having the same thoughts in my head as last year. This year, I thought, would be the year we would have a child on our card or at least an ultrasound photo. Unfortunately, this is not the year for us. I will end up buying generic holiday cards and mailing them out to family and friends. In return, I will receive tons of cards with pictures of babies and families on them. I love getting cards and seeing people's families grow. I do not want to come off bitter about that in any way. It does sting though and as I said before, it is a small reminder of what is missing in my life.

I am hoping with any ounce of hope that is left in my soul, that next Christmas, I will have a child or ultrasound picture to put on our holiday card. "Maybe next year" is becoming an all too familiar phrase...

What's wrong with me?

After being diagnosed with PCOS by my gyno, she prescribed me a medication called Metformin. Metformin is used for insulin resistance. Metformin is commonly used for people with diabetes but it has been known to help women with PCOS. If you want to read more about it, go here:

http://www.webmd.com/women/metformin-glucophage-for-polycystic-ovary-syndrome

But don't stay on WebMD for too long because that place is legit scary!

I was told by my gyno to start out taking 500mg (1 pill) and then slowly work my way up to 1000mg. Metformin is known to wreck your stomach. And boy did it ever. My stomach was so messed up for the first couple of weeks. Anytime I ate a carb, I paid for it later. Literally it was awful. Like so gross and so freaking awful. This is why so many women lose weight on this medication when they first start taking it. I lost about 10lbs which is not much but definitely better than nothing. I finally worked my way up to 1000mg/daily and I even got a cycle after 40 days. I was so excited and thought that it was starting to regulate my body. Then, I didn't get another cycle for over 100 days.

During that 100 day lull, when I was just waiting, feeling like a ticking time bomb, a high-school friend of mine had reached out to me. She had experienced two miscarriages and we had discussed our struggles with each other. She recently starting going to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) aka Fertility Specialist and highly recommend that I go see him also. I made an appointment that very day. This was March 2014...7 months ago. Tom and I were very excited and finally felt like we were taking control of the situation. Up until this point, I was not really getting any guidance from my gyno and I felt more or less like a pain every time I called. I didn't understand why I wasn't getting my period normally and why it didn't seem like a big deal to her. I felt like I was broken. I felt like I was letting Tom down. Who wants to marry someone that is going to have trouble having children? I thought about it and dwelled on it all the time. I cried when I saw babies or when I heard other people were pregnant. It was not an easy time in our marriage. I was not a happy person. I felt broken and I was mad. I was mad at God and angry that other people didn't struggle like I did. Looking back on that dark time now, I am happy to say that those days of thinking that way are for the most part over with. Sure, I still get upset, and I still ask "Why Me?" but then I let it go and hold on to the tiny sliver of hope. Knowing that a lot of women are going through this also helps. Knowing you aren't alone is one of the most comforting things. I would have dark days but definitely more sunny days then rainy days. I clung to the hope that one day we would be parents. One day we would be holding a baby in our arms. We couldn't wait to meet my RE.

The Lucky Ones

So the main reason that I picked my blog back up was due to something very personal that we have been struggling with. We both knew that we wanted to have children. That was never a question for us. I have loved babies and kids since I was little and couldn't wait to be a mommy one day. In August 2013, we started officially trying. And by trying I mean, I stopped taking my birth control and we were just going to see what happened. I had always had a feeling in the back of my head that I would have trouble conceiving. I am not sure why I had the feeling, but I just did. When it came time to start though, I thought maybe we would be one of the lucky ones that it just happens to right away. 

Unfortunately, we were not one of the lucky ones. I hadn't had a normal cycle in many months. I had no idea if I was even ovulating. I contacted my gyno and she assured me it was just my body adjusting to being off of birth control. After I didn't get a cycle for a couple months, I finally made an appointment to go in and discuss things with my gyno. She ran a series of bloodwork. When the results came back, she informed me that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

For those of you that do not know what PCOS is, here is a brief description from  PCOS Foundation. org (http://www.pcosfoundation.org/index.php):

PCOS is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome, and is one of the most common hormonal endocrine disorders in women. PCOS has been recognized and diagnosed for seventy-five years. There are many signs and symptoms that a woman may experience. Since PCOS cannot be diagnosed with one test alone and symptoms vary from woman to woman, PCOS has been known as the “Silent Killer”. Early diagnosis of PCOS is important as it has been linked to an increased risk for developing several medical risks including insulin resistance, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and heart disease.

Many women may experience weight gain or obesity, yet there are others who may be very lean. Multiple cysts on ovaries in a "string of pearls” pattern is also an indicator for PCOS. In addition, this hormonal imbalance can cause Insulin Resistance, which is also a prime indicator that you may have PCOS. Women suffering from PCOS may experience high testosterone levels, which cause other signs and symptoms such as Hirsutism (excessive hair growth), male pattern baldness and acne. This high level of testosterone can also prevent the ovaries from releasing an egg each month.

5-10% of women of childbearing age are affected by PCOS, with less than 50% of women diagnosed. This leaves millions of women undiagnosed. PCOS is responsible for 70% of infertility issues in women who have difficulty ovulating. Post menopausal women can also suffer from PCOS.

Studies have shown that approximately 40% of patients with diabetes and/or glucose intolerance between the ages of 20-50 have PCOS.

In addition, some studies have found that if a mother has PCOS, there is a 50% chance that her daughter will have PCOS.

The good news is that early diagnosis and proper education can help women lower all these risk factors and live a happy, healthier life.

So of course when I was told of my diagnosis, I was devastated. The internet is not a kind place when you are trying to conceive (TTC). There are millions of women struggling and millions of stories out there. Some are good, and some are not so good. It is so difficult to read heartbreaking stories from women that just want to be a mom. It seems like such a simple thing right? They teach us in high school that it only takes one time and BAM your life can change forever. But as I have learned and as many other couples out there know, it can take many many more times then once. It can take years. 

So this brings me to my post today. I wanted to start this not only for myself, to keep a little journal of my journey, but for anyone else out there who is going through this process. We have been trying for over a year now. We are not pregnant yet. It is something that I think about every single day of my life. I know one day it will happen for us, but until then, the battle both inside my mind and outside will continue to wear on us. I will share more about what happened after my diagnosis and different things that we tried to help our chances soon.