IUI#6

So by the title of this post, you can safely assume that IUI#5 did not work. I knew it. I said before that I just had a strong feeling that it wasn't going to work. I tested on January 17 like I was told too and it was positive. Clear as day. It was light but still positive. I didn't know whether to be excited or happy. I had my guard up. I also started spotting. I called the on-call RE just because I was worried. What if I am pregnant and I am spotting? Is it still the booster HCG shot? What should I do? She called me back and basically told me that the booster should be out of my system. So either I was pregnant and spotting was common in early pregnancy or I was having a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Lovely. Luckily, I kept my guard up and on Monday morning AF arrived in full force. Good Morning and Happy Monday to you too!! Ugh, another failed cycle. Another disappointment. I called the RE and told them my news. I was told to come in for my baseline so we can start again. This was all starting to get old...

So when I went in for my CD3 baseline ultrasound and blood, I had some questions for the RE. I wanted to know how many times I should continue doing the IUIs. Am I wasting our money each month? Is there something else wrong with me? Do I have endometriosis? Here I go again with my questions.

The PA (Physician's Assistant) who I see often is so sweet. She listened to my concerns. She heard me. She was just as frustrated. She did not sugar coat things for me which is what I wanted and needed. She told me that I was definitely one of their more stubborn patients and my body wasn't responding the way that they want it too. She also said that she really does believe that IUI with injectables will work for me and that only 20% of their patients have to go on to do IVF. She said that I had my age on my side. She also said, that she understands that it is hard to hear these things. She wants it to work just as much as I do. She told me that we were going to go forward with IUI#6 and that they were going to UP my Gonal F dosage from 150 to 225 everyday. She also recommended that we do another HSG test. This is a test where they inject dye into your uterus and watch it on an Xray machine. The dye is supposed to flow through your tubes and spill out. This will show whether or not your tube are blocked. Welp, on Monday, January 26 I had the HSG done. Guess what...

Right tube blocked. 

Lovely. I was both annoyed and kind of relieved at the same time. Annoyed that I didn't know about this a year ago and relieved in a way that maybe this was the reason it wasn't happening for us. All of those times I thought I had 3-4 follicles, I may have only actually had 1 on the left side. The follicles on the right don't have a chance since the tube is blocked. I asked what the next step is after finding out it is blocked. They said there really wasn't anything more we could do and to just keep moving forward. I know you can have a surgery done to try to clear the blockage and that may be an option down the line.


Today is CD11. I got my HCG trigger shot yesterday and had an IUI this morning. I had in total five follicles. Three of the five were on the left ovary and they said my lead follicle was on the left side. This was good news. I will go back again tomorrow for another IUI. I should ovulate sometime today. Both my RE and the PA were very pleased with my cycle. I got congratulated on what a good cycle it looks like. I have heard this all before though. This is definitely the earliest I have ever gotten an IUI done. In the beginning, I was a late ovulater...like CD18-20 and now I am ovulating on CD11. Crazy!!

So after I have the IUI again tomorrow, the TWW begins. I can only hope and pray and try to keep the faith and IUI#6 is the one that will work for us.

Life sucks

So tomorrow is THE day...the day I will take the test to find out if IUI#5 worked. After my last post, I started to test every morning because I got nervous that if tomorrow's test is positive, how will I know that it is truly a positive and not the HCG booster still in my system??? I would hate to have to deal with a false positive. What a let down that would be. So I tested Wed, Thurs, and this morning. There was definitely a second line on Wed and Thurs and maybe the slightest line there this morning. The lines are definitely getting lighter.

I have a strong feeling that IUI#5 did not work. I lost it yesterday. My Mom-Mom is back in the hospital and I went to visit her. She told me that she was ready to die. To say that she has gone through hell and back during the past few years would be an understatement. She has gone through so many treatments and illnesses. She is tired and I can't blame her. She has fought harder than anyone I know. Hearing her say those words "I am ready to die" just cut me like a knife. I tried to joke with her about it and say that she didn't get "dying" approved by me yet and she has to run everything by me first. She started to smile a little bit but you could tell she was defeated. Seeing her this way just made me lose it. I gently rubbed her arm and quietly whispered "But I don't want you to die." Tears streamed down my face. I tried to keep it together but everything that has been going on in life just caught up to me and I could not hold it in anymore.

On the way home from the hospital I got sad thinking about the fact that my child may never know my Mom-mom. She is such a great person and I would love to make her a Great Grandmother. I know she would be over the moon. She absolutely adores babies and children. I crumbled at the thought that I may not make that a reality for her. Then I started to question again and got angry.
What more does my family have to endure? Why are we going through this? Why is this happening to us?

I came home and was just not in a good place. I cried a lot last night and a lot more this morning. I woke up with a horrible migraine. I am sure it is from stress and crying and probably because AF is on the way. I am saddened by this process. I am angry and bitter. I hate that this is changing me. I hate that it is making me cynical and angry. When does it end? Is everything we are going through worth it? When does it end? At what cost?

More questions that no one can answer...