IUI#6

So by the title of this post, you can safely assume that IUI#5 did not work. I knew it. I said before that I just had a strong feeling that it wasn't going to work. I tested on January 17 like I was told too and it was positive. Clear as day. It was light but still positive. I didn't know whether to be excited or happy. I had my guard up. I also started spotting. I called the on-call RE just because I was worried. What if I am pregnant and I am spotting? Is it still the booster HCG shot? What should I do? She called me back and basically told me that the booster should be out of my system. So either I was pregnant and spotting was common in early pregnancy or I was having a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Lovely. Luckily, I kept my guard up and on Monday morning AF arrived in full force. Good Morning and Happy Monday to you too!! Ugh, another failed cycle. Another disappointment. I called the RE and told them my news. I was told to come in for my baseline so we can start again. This was all starting to get old...

So when I went in for my CD3 baseline ultrasound and blood, I had some questions for the RE. I wanted to know how many times I should continue doing the IUIs. Am I wasting our money each month? Is there something else wrong with me? Do I have endometriosis? Here I go again with my questions.

The PA (Physician's Assistant) who I see often is so sweet. She listened to my concerns. She heard me. She was just as frustrated. She did not sugar coat things for me which is what I wanted and needed. She told me that I was definitely one of their more stubborn patients and my body wasn't responding the way that they want it too. She also said that she really does believe that IUI with injectables will work for me and that only 20% of their patients have to go on to do IVF. She said that I had my age on my side. She also said, that she understands that it is hard to hear these things. She wants it to work just as much as I do. She told me that we were going to go forward with IUI#6 and that they were going to UP my Gonal F dosage from 150 to 225 everyday. She also recommended that we do another HSG test. This is a test where they inject dye into your uterus and watch it on an Xray machine. The dye is supposed to flow through your tubes and spill out. This will show whether or not your tube are blocked. Welp, on Monday, January 26 I had the HSG done. Guess what...

Right tube blocked. 

Lovely. I was both annoyed and kind of relieved at the same time. Annoyed that I didn't know about this a year ago and relieved in a way that maybe this was the reason it wasn't happening for us. All of those times I thought I had 3-4 follicles, I may have only actually had 1 on the left side. The follicles on the right don't have a chance since the tube is blocked. I asked what the next step is after finding out it is blocked. They said there really wasn't anything more we could do and to just keep moving forward. I know you can have a surgery done to try to clear the blockage and that may be an option down the line.


Today is CD11. I got my HCG trigger shot yesterday and had an IUI this morning. I had in total five follicles. Three of the five were on the left ovary and they said my lead follicle was on the left side. This was good news. I will go back again tomorrow for another IUI. I should ovulate sometime today. Both my RE and the PA were very pleased with my cycle. I got congratulated on what a good cycle it looks like. I have heard this all before though. This is definitely the earliest I have ever gotten an IUI done. In the beginning, I was a late ovulater...like CD18-20 and now I am ovulating on CD11. Crazy!!

So after I have the IUI again tomorrow, the TWW begins. I can only hope and pray and try to keep the faith and IUI#6 is the one that will work for us.

Life sucks

So tomorrow is THE day...the day I will take the test to find out if IUI#5 worked. After my last post, I started to test every morning because I got nervous that if tomorrow's test is positive, how will I know that it is truly a positive and not the HCG booster still in my system??? I would hate to have to deal with a false positive. What a let down that would be. So I tested Wed, Thurs, and this morning. There was definitely a second line on Wed and Thurs and maybe the slightest line there this morning. The lines are definitely getting lighter.

I have a strong feeling that IUI#5 did not work. I lost it yesterday. My Mom-Mom is back in the hospital and I went to visit her. She told me that she was ready to die. To say that she has gone through hell and back during the past few years would be an understatement. She has gone through so many treatments and illnesses. She is tired and I can't blame her. She has fought harder than anyone I know. Hearing her say those words "I am ready to die" just cut me like a knife. I tried to joke with her about it and say that she didn't get "dying" approved by me yet and she has to run everything by me first. She started to smile a little bit but you could tell she was defeated. Seeing her this way just made me lose it. I gently rubbed her arm and quietly whispered "But I don't want you to die." Tears streamed down my face. I tried to keep it together but everything that has been going on in life just caught up to me and I could not hold it in anymore.

On the way home from the hospital I got sad thinking about the fact that my child may never know my Mom-mom. She is such a great person and I would love to make her a Great Grandmother. I know she would be over the moon. She absolutely adores babies and children. I crumbled at the thought that I may not make that a reality for her. Then I started to question again and got angry.
What more does my family have to endure? Why are we going through this? Why is this happening to us?

I came home and was just not in a good place. I cried a lot last night and a lot more this morning. I woke up with a horrible migraine. I am sure it is from stress and crying and probably because AF is on the way. I am saddened by this process. I am angry and bitter. I hate that this is changing me. I hate that it is making me cynical and angry. When does it end? Is everything we are going through worth it? When does it end? At what cost?

More questions that no one can answer...

Christmas & CD 10 - Gonal FFFFFF you!

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I know we did! I was surprisingly upbeat and did not let my infertility get the best of me like I did on Thanksgiving.

We spent Christmas Eve with Tom's family and my family. It is so nice being able to have both of our families in the same place. My family is very close with Tom's family so it makes life a lot more easier. Our families are our biggest support systems. We are so very lucky to have them in our lives.

Each Christmas Eve, Tom and his sisters take turns on who hosts. This year it was his sister Kelly's turn. Everything was great. The food was good, the house was cheery, and the kids were bouncing off the walls. It was just like Christmas Eve should be! We gave the kids their presents and then did an adult Pollyanna. It is always fun to see what you are going to end up with. The gifts were pretty good this year. We ended up with a gift card to our favorite Italian BYOB and a poker table and 4 folding chairs. Not too shabby!

Christmas Day we woke up and exchanged gifts with each other. Tom was in a Michael Kors mood this Christmas. He spoiled me. I got a new rose gold MK watch, MK slippers (who knew they even made these?!), MK leather flats (love and they even fit my wide ass feet), and some prefume and a Labrador Retriever calendar. It is tradition that he gets me the calendar every year (even though I tell him to wait until after the New Year for it to be marked down 75% but he insists on giving it as a Christmas gift). I gave Tom a bunch of random guy things. Jeans, shirts, cologne, a fishing chair, hat, sneakers, sweatshirt, and a case of Surge. Remember Surge from the 90s?? Tom loved it and was so excited to get it again. Coke recently started making it again and sells it exclusively on Amazon.

Then we gave the doggies their stockings. They got busy bones, Frisbees, balls, kongs, and a bunch of other stuff that will ultimately be destroyed.

Here are some pictures from our Christmas:

Christmas Eve

Top: 2013
Bottom: 2014
These kids need to stop growing up so fast!

Christmas Eve! 

Christmas Day

Santa left some stuff for the Labs!

Dunkin Donuts, Breakfast, Surge, MK, and Togetherness!

Wonderful Christmas with great memories!

Christmas Eve I had to give myself my first Gonal F shot all by myself. It wasn't bad at all. Tom came for moral support. It was done in about 3 minutes and then we went back to the festivities. Same thing Christmas Day. It is annoying having to bring the shot with you (which has to be refrigerated) and the disposal canister and the gauze and the alcohol wipes! Geez! It is like bringing a baby and all of their stuff without having a baby yet! Honestly though, the shots aren't bad at all. On the 26th, the day after Christmas we went back for a follow up appointment at the RE to check on things. The RE said that everything is progressing the way it should be and they wanted to see me back on Monday. Man oh man, these co-pays really add up. $50 each time! Sheesh! It's killing us! Yesterday, I went back for another check and looks like there is 1 follicle on the left side and a bunch of little guys on the right. I thought for sure there would be more but the RE said that if we need to do this again next time, we will need to up my dosage. Currently, I am doing 150 per shot. I go back again tomorrow for another check and will do the trigger shot. Then I will do IUI most likely on Friday! Exciting stuff! Hoping this time works but trying not to allow myself to get my hopes up too much! 2015 please be good to us! 

Shattered

In June, Tom and I underwent what is called an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). I was prescribed Clomid to help induce ovulation and then we would do the IUI right around ovulation time. We learned that our insurance did not cover the cost of IUI. We would be spending $457.00 each time we did an IUI. This cycle, I had two mature follicles. That was great news. We went ahead and scheduled the IUI. The day of the IUI, they did an ultrasound and we learned that I did not ovulate yet but based on the size of the follicles, I would most likely ovulate in the next day. So Dr. G decided that we would need to do another IUI the following day. Luckily if you do more than one IUI in the same cycle, the second one is half off. Kind of like Payless's BOGO deal...except you don't get shoes.

We went ahead and did back to back IUIs and then we waited. It was the longest 10 days of my life. I will never forget the day when we took that test, and there were two lines. I had never seen two lines. We were ecstatic. It was a Saturday. I will never forget it. June 28, 2014. We had tickets to the Phillies game that day. It was an anniversary gift that I had gotten Tom. The first year is paper, hence the tickets. 

We were on cloud nine the entire day. At the baseball game, we even bought a bib to have a memento from the day we found out we were expecting.

We did not tell anyone yet. I call the Dr's office first thing on Monday morning and they had me come in for a blood test. They called later that day. My HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were 27. I was pregnant. 

I remember calling Tom outside of work and we were both crying and so happy and excited all at the same time. I had to go back to the Dr's office on Thursday to make sure my levels were doubling the appropriate amount. 

Those days leading up to Thursday were the happiest days. We calculate that our baby would be due in March. March 11, 2015. We started talking about names and the nursery. I don't think we ever smiled as much in our lives as we did those couple of days. We were planning on telling our immediate family on the 4th of July (it's my Moms birthday). We purchased a onesie that says "My First Fourth" and we were going to wrap it up and give it to my Mom as a present. We were so excited to tell our close family about our news. 

On Thursday, July 3, 2014 I went back to the Dr's office. I got my blood taken and then went back to work to finish the remainder of the day. It felt like a Friday since the 4th of July was the following day and work would be closed. 

That same day, my best friend Ali asked me if I had found out how the IUI went. I told her I didn't know anything yet. Yes, I lied to my best friend. Obviously, I wasn't a very good liar because she asked me again a couple minutes later when we were in the conference room and I just started smiling and crying and shook my head yes. She started crying and we were both crying and laughing. She was so happy for us. She was the first and only person I told. 

Later that day, Ali and I and another co-worker went out to lunch.  We were at Chickies and Pete's. I remember trying to figure out secretly if there was any food or drinks that I shouldn't be eating. In the middle of eating our lunch, my phone rang. I looked and saw it was the Dr's office. My heart immediately started beating. I ran out of the restaurant to take the call outside. 

I answered the phone and then with one sentence, my world shattered. 

"We received your results back and your levels aren't doubling and we believe you are experiencing a miscarriage."

My whole world was shattered with that one sentence.

Clomid, HSG, IUI, and Bears..oh my!

The day finally arrived. March 13, 2014. It was time for our appointment with our RE. We had a slew of paperwork to fill out prior to our appointment. We arrived and met with the doctor. I will refer to him as Dr. G. We sat in his office and he basically confirmed that I had PCOS. He told us that our chances for trying were 0-0 because I never ovulated on my own. He said he would rather see 0-0 then 0-10. At least, with an 0-0 record, he could try to fix the ovulation issue and that would give us a fighting chance.

Dr. G ordered me a full lab work up. I got blood taken there in the office and then had to go to the hospital to get a million more gallons taken. He wanted to check everything off of the list. He also said he would need to get a semen analysis. He was not thrilled about that but he knew it was what needed to be done. Dr. G also spat our words and acronyms that had no meaning to me such as: Clomid, HSG, and IUI. Huh? I had no clue what he was referring to. I just nodded and tried to take it all in. He said that they were going to start doing a number of things right away to get the ball started. I loved his aggressive-ness and enthusiasm. I loved that someone was finally listening to me.

In addition to the blood work, I also had an ultrasound done that day in the office. They told me that the ultrasound showed that my uterine lining was EXTREMELY thick. He ordered me a prescription for Provera. I had to take 1 pill a day for 10 days and then I should expect my cycle to start shortly after. He warned that it was going to be an awful cycle and boy was it ever. I will spare you the details, let's just say, I didn't think I would survive it.

The other really fun part was having a Cycle Day (CD) 3 ultrasound done. So after I finished taking the Provera, and once I finally got a period, I was supposed to call Dr. G and they made an appointment for me to come in for a CD 3 ultrasound. Did I mention the ultrasounds are done internally, as in vaginally? Yeah so um, imagine having that done during the worst period imaginable. Not good times at all. I was scarred for life after that appointment. The CD3 ultrasound showed that my lining was still very thick and I would need to go on Provera again. Ugh! What a bummer. This is why I am pissed at my gyno. She acted as though it was no big deal that I hadn't gotten a cycle when in fact it is a very big deal. Dr. G explained to me that allowing your uterine lining to build up like that puts you at an increased risk for uterine cancer. That was a hard sentence to hear. No one wants to hear that they are at an increased risk for any kind of cancer. I decided then and there that I would be switching gynos.

My blood work came back normal. Well not normal but what they expected it to show for a patient with PCOS. So I was left just waiting for a cycle again. Story of my life...