Life sucks

So tomorrow is THE day...the day I will take the test to find out if IUI#5 worked. After my last post, I started to test every morning because I got nervous that if tomorrow's test is positive, how will I know that it is truly a positive and not the HCG booster still in my system??? I would hate to have to deal with a false positive. What a let down that would be. So I tested Wed, Thurs, and this morning. There was definitely a second line on Wed and Thurs and maybe the slightest line there this morning. The lines are definitely getting lighter.

I have a strong feeling that IUI#5 did not work. I lost it yesterday. My Mom-Mom is back in the hospital and I went to visit her. She told me that she was ready to die. To say that she has gone through hell and back during the past few years would be an understatement. She has gone through so many treatments and illnesses. She is tired and I can't blame her. She has fought harder than anyone I know. Hearing her say those words "I am ready to die" just cut me like a knife. I tried to joke with her about it and say that she didn't get "dying" approved by me yet and she has to run everything by me first. She started to smile a little bit but you could tell she was defeated. Seeing her this way just made me lose it. I gently rubbed her arm and quietly whispered "But I don't want you to die." Tears streamed down my face. I tried to keep it together but everything that has been going on in life just caught up to me and I could not hold it in anymore.

On the way home from the hospital I got sad thinking about the fact that my child may never know my Mom-mom. She is such a great person and I would love to make her a Great Grandmother. I know she would be over the moon. She absolutely adores babies and children. I crumbled at the thought that I may not make that a reality for her. Then I started to question again and got angry.
What more does my family have to endure? Why are we going through this? Why is this happening to us?

I came home and was just not in a good place. I cried a lot last night and a lot more this morning. I woke up with a horrible migraine. I am sure it is from stress and crying and probably because AF is on the way. I am saddened by this process. I am angry and bitter. I hate that this is changing me. I hate that it is making me cynical and angry. When does it end? Is everything we are going through worth it? When does it end? At what cost?

More questions that no one can answer...