An Open Apology

So since this whole process has begun, I have become an increasingly bitchy person. I act as though the whole world is out to get me. I act as though I am the only person that is struggling or going through something. As if everyone owes me something because I am having a difficult time.

I ruined Thanksgiving this year. It was at my house and I was stressed. The cooking and cleaning got to me. It also didn't help that I was in a God awful mood the entire day. There was no making me happy. I sabotaged the day on purpose. I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was mad and angry and bitter. I have no idea why I did this. I don't know if it was the Clomid or just the whole infertility process catching up to me.

Bottom line, I was a bitch. I made my sister leave when all she did was ask if I needed help with anything. I picked on my Mom the entire day for no reason. At the dinner table everyone said something they were thankful for and my response was "that this is almost over."

Really?

Just typing that made my stomach hurt. That is not the type of person I am. I am extremely grateful for everything good in my life and I love the holidays. It makes me sad that I allowed this process to get to me and affect me so deeply which made me ruin Thanksgiving.

So to anyone that I upset, I am sorry. I know I was wrong. I knew I was acting like a bitch but it was like a train that I couldn't stop. I hate the way I acted. I am doing my best to turn my way of thinking around but it is going to take time.

The truth is, I do feel slighted. I do feel like the world is out to get me. I do feel like I am owed an explanation. Why is this happening to me? Why can homeless drug addicts get pregnant but I can't? What is the purpose of all of this? It is not fair. And honestly, I feel that way and think those thoughts every single day. It is a dark place inside my brain. I am sure if you asked anyone else that is struggling with infertility, they would agree with me. The thoughts that you think are dark. You want answers to questions that you will never get. You want to blame someone or something but there is nothing or no-one to blame. It would be easier to blame someone or something then to face the harsh reality that there is no answer and there is no explanation. There never will be.

But it isn't easy at all. It is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. I want to be the happy person I was before this. I don't want this process to change me. But the bottom line is that it is changing me. At the end of this road, whenever that may be, I hope I can look back and say that is changed me for the better. And in the meantime, to anyone that I upset or sad mean things to out of anger, please know that I am sorry and I will try better.