Going Crazy 12DPIUI & Weekend Recap!

So today is 12DPIUI. I am beginning to go crazy. I was doing very well up until this point. The closer it gets to finding out if it worked or not, the crazier I get. Go figure.

This past weekend, we drove to visit my Pop-Pop down the shore. He was thrilled that he had visitors. He drove us around his neighborhood and took us out to his favorite local restaurant. We also spent a good deal of time looking at old pictures. It is amazing how many pictures my Grand mom took of the kids. And she had 6 of them! I know pictures are so common in this day and age where all you need is your phone to capture a picture. But think about it. Back in the 60s & 70s it wasn't as simple. She saved their report cards, their First Holy Communion Cards, and managed to capture their entire childhood. It was really cool to look at pictures of my Dad when he was young.

Here are some photos:

My Dad when he was just a baby! So Cute! 

My Dad - Prob around 5th or 6th Grade

My Dad & Grandmom - High School Graduation

My Dad when he graduate boot camp in the Navy

After he graduated, they went to Disney World. This is my Dad driving the Monorail! They said as soon as they learned Disney didn't have any alcohol, they left LOL 

My Mom, My Great Aunt Margaret, and my Mom-Mom at my Dad's Boot Camp Graduation Party

I am so glad I was able to get copies of these pictures. This is something that I will love having one day when I am older.


On Sunday we got our taxes done. Boy being married really bites when it comes time to file your taxes. I mean the good thing is we don't owe any money but because we made a decent amount in 2014, we were put into the next tax bracket and are only getting a little bit back. The guy who did our taxes recommended that we have a kid! HA! If you only knew!! Turns out, we couldn't deduct any of our fertility costs because it didn't add up to 10% of our total income. Bummer. We would have had to spent around $11,000 to be able to write our infertility expenses off. I think we were only around $4,000.00 for 2014. Seems like so much more though. Oh well.

So I began testing out my trigger on Monday. Today is Wednesday. I am still getting positives on the internet cheapie tests. I am not sure what to think. Here is a progression picture. The top is Monday and the bottom is today. Thoughts? Is the line getting darker or lighter? I can't tell. My gut tells me it is getting darker but I don't know.

I called the RE this morning. I asked when can I officially test. The receptionist put me on hold to ask the nurse. She came back and said that I could test two weeks after the IUI. I said "Well I had two IUIs back to back so which one counts?" (Everything needs to be very specific for me). She said two weeks after the last one. So that puts me at Friday, February 13. Ugh, two more days! I woke up with a pimple on my chin this morning. Ugh, please don't let that mean AF is on her way. I do not have my usual headache or backache. Taking it as a good sign. My boobs hurt randomly and get twinges and almost burning sensations in them at random times? Idk, my body is whack! I am feeling all kinds of twinges and things in my ovaries area but again, my body is whack so this could all mean nothing. So currently, I am going crazy. So yeah, that's about all for now! Happy Hump Day!

Still waiting...7DPIUI

This TWW is maybe the longest ever!! I am only a week in! UGGGHH!!


So I am kind of hopeful this time. Last time I just had a feeling it didn't work but this time I kind of have a feeling that it will? Is that bad to say? Am I jinxing myself? Maybe.
Does it really matter at this point though? I have done it both ways.....been negative the whole time and when I get a BFN I am devastated. I have been positive the whole time before also and when I get a BFN I am devastated. No matter what, I am always devastated. I feel twinges and cramping and I am not sure if I have felt that before or not. I am taking it as a good sign!

This weekend we are taking a trip down the shore (such a PA/NJ thing to say) to visit my Pop-Pop. He lives down there permanently. His health has been declining and we haven't seen him in a while. Sunday we are getting our taxes done. Monday I can start testing out my trigger. EEK!

I have 3 baby showers coming up. I love buying and looking at baby stuff. I am literally obsessed with all of it. I can't wait to register and start decorating a nursery and make sure my baby has everything he/she needs and probably lots of stuff he/she doesn't need! I cannot wait to be a mommy one day. I promise I will be a good one.

Please let it be my turn.

Waiting.....Groundhog day

I know, I know, yesterday was ground hog day not today!! But honestly, I truly feel that each month is ground hog day for me. Same thing, different month! I need a change! I need a baby!


So I am about 5DPO today. I am never really sure what to go by since they give me the trigger shot and then I have two back to back IUIs. I went in this morning for my HCG booster shot. They took a look inside and said the right ovary was larger than the left but that it was nothing serious.
Ok if you say so!

So now I just wait. And hope. And pray. And wait.

They told me I could test in eight days which would be February 11, 2015. 1 week from today.
I expressed my concerns that last time they told me I could test, the test was showing up positive 8 days after the booster and again 9 days after the booster. Ten days after the booster I woke up with AF so I didn't even bother to test. The RE said it was possible that I had a chemical but there was really no way to know unless they did blood work on my the the eighth day after the booster. They didn't do blood because it fell on a weekend and the office is closed.  My RE said I could start testing out the booster at six days past the booster. I will definitely do this because I want to be sure that it is the booster or it isn't the booster.

So anyways, that is all that is really going on in my life. This cycle flew by and now it is dragging. I am pretty sure that is the norm though for most TTC ladies. The one weird part is that today is only CD17 for me. And I am already 5DPO. The cycles are getting faster and faster thanks to the injections.

We are going to get our taxes done this weekend and we are going to find out if we can write off some of these medical expenses.

I will do another post outlining our fertility expenses in 2014 soon!

For now cross your fingers, toes, and eyeballs. Say a prayer. Make a wish. Please hope that this works for us this time! I had a dream last night that there was a fetus inside of me. Not a baby, but a fetus. This was the first time I have ever dreamed that before during the TWW - maybe a good sign??? I will take anything I can get as a good sign!! We will see!

IUI#6

So by the title of this post, you can safely assume that IUI#5 did not work. I knew it. I said before that I just had a strong feeling that it wasn't going to work. I tested on January 17 like I was told too and it was positive. Clear as day. It was light but still positive. I didn't know whether to be excited or happy. I had my guard up. I also started spotting. I called the on-call RE just because I was worried. What if I am pregnant and I am spotting? Is it still the booster HCG shot? What should I do? She called me back and basically told me that the booster should be out of my system. So either I was pregnant and spotting was common in early pregnancy or I was having a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Lovely. Luckily, I kept my guard up and on Monday morning AF arrived in full force. Good Morning and Happy Monday to you too!! Ugh, another failed cycle. Another disappointment. I called the RE and told them my news. I was told to come in for my baseline so we can start again. This was all starting to get old...

So when I went in for my CD3 baseline ultrasound and blood, I had some questions for the RE. I wanted to know how many times I should continue doing the IUIs. Am I wasting our money each month? Is there something else wrong with me? Do I have endometriosis? Here I go again with my questions.

The PA (Physician's Assistant) who I see often is so sweet. She listened to my concerns. She heard me. She was just as frustrated. She did not sugar coat things for me which is what I wanted and needed. She told me that I was definitely one of their more stubborn patients and my body wasn't responding the way that they want it too. She also said that she really does believe that IUI with injectables will work for me and that only 20% of their patients have to go on to do IVF. She said that I had my age on my side. She also said, that she understands that it is hard to hear these things. She wants it to work just as much as I do. She told me that we were going to go forward with IUI#6 and that they were going to UP my Gonal F dosage from 150 to 225 everyday. She also recommended that we do another HSG test. This is a test where they inject dye into your uterus and watch it on an Xray machine. The dye is supposed to flow through your tubes and spill out. This will show whether or not your tube are blocked. Welp, on Monday, January 26 I had the HSG done. Guess what...

Right tube blocked. 

Lovely. I was both annoyed and kind of relieved at the same time. Annoyed that I didn't know about this a year ago and relieved in a way that maybe this was the reason it wasn't happening for us. All of those times I thought I had 3-4 follicles, I may have only actually had 1 on the left side. The follicles on the right don't have a chance since the tube is blocked. I asked what the next step is after finding out it is blocked. They said there really wasn't anything more we could do and to just keep moving forward. I know you can have a surgery done to try to clear the blockage and that may be an option down the line.


Today is CD11. I got my HCG trigger shot yesterday and had an IUI this morning. I had in total five follicles. Three of the five were on the left ovary and they said my lead follicle was on the left side. This was good news. I will go back again tomorrow for another IUI. I should ovulate sometime today. Both my RE and the PA were very pleased with my cycle. I got congratulated on what a good cycle it looks like. I have heard this all before though. This is definitely the earliest I have ever gotten an IUI done. In the beginning, I was a late ovulater...like CD18-20 and now I am ovulating on CD11. Crazy!!

So after I have the IUI again tomorrow, the TWW begins. I can only hope and pray and try to keep the faith and IUI#6 is the one that will work for us.

Life sucks

So tomorrow is THE day...the day I will take the test to find out if IUI#5 worked. After my last post, I started to test every morning because I got nervous that if tomorrow's test is positive, how will I know that it is truly a positive and not the HCG booster still in my system??? I would hate to have to deal with a false positive. What a let down that would be. So I tested Wed, Thurs, and this morning. There was definitely a second line on Wed and Thurs and maybe the slightest line there this morning. The lines are definitely getting lighter.

I have a strong feeling that IUI#5 did not work. I lost it yesterday. My Mom-Mom is back in the hospital and I went to visit her. She told me that she was ready to die. To say that she has gone through hell and back during the past few years would be an understatement. She has gone through so many treatments and illnesses. She is tired and I can't blame her. She has fought harder than anyone I know. Hearing her say those words "I am ready to die" just cut me like a knife. I tried to joke with her about it and say that she didn't get "dying" approved by me yet and she has to run everything by me first. She started to smile a little bit but you could tell she was defeated. Seeing her this way just made me lose it. I gently rubbed her arm and quietly whispered "But I don't want you to die." Tears streamed down my face. I tried to keep it together but everything that has been going on in life just caught up to me and I could not hold it in anymore.

On the way home from the hospital I got sad thinking about the fact that my child may never know my Mom-mom. She is such a great person and I would love to make her a Great Grandmother. I know she would be over the moon. She absolutely adores babies and children. I crumbled at the thought that I may not make that a reality for her. Then I started to question again and got angry.
What more does my family have to endure? Why are we going through this? Why is this happening to us?

I came home and was just not in a good place. I cried a lot last night and a lot more this morning. I woke up with a horrible migraine. I am sure it is from stress and crying and probably because AF is on the way. I am saddened by this process. I am angry and bitter. I hate that this is changing me. I hate that it is making me cynical and angry. When does it end? Is everything we are going through worth it? When does it end? At what cost?

More questions that no one can answer...

HCG Booster Shot and 9 DPIUI Update

This past Friday I went into my RE for an HCG booster shot. They used whatever was left from my trigger shot. I had an ultrasound first to make sure I didn't have too many follicles or anything that the HCG would hinder. I was studying the screen intently trying to see if I could see anything in there.

Both the ultrasound tech and my RE told me repeatedly that it was way too early to tell by ultrasound and blood work. BOO! A girl can hope though right??

So I got the OK to get the shot. Another shot right in the butt and Tom and I were out of there.

I did ask the RE prior to getting the shot, when I would be able to test. She told me the shot typically takes 8 days to get out of people's systems so my official test date is Saturday, January 17, 2015. That is officially 14 days past my first IUI and 13 days past the second IUI.

I am proud to say that I have not peed on a stick this entire cycle. Some people may think that is no big deal but for me, it is a huge accomplishment!! Actually, I lied, the day I got the IUI I took a test just to see those 2 pink lines. I came down the steps yelling "Tom, look it worked!! The IUI worked super fast!!!" He knew I was kidding since I literally had just done the IUI 2 hours prior to that but it was still funny. Tom even said, "Oh so that's where the second line is supposed to be! Now I know where to look." I would always have Tom play the 'analyze the pee stick' game with me to see if he saw the slightest hint of a second line. This test taught me that where there is HCG in your system, you will know. There will be no need to squint!

Anyways, I am 9DPIUI today and am feeling 100% normal. Only things of note are yesterday and today I have been dealing with a slight headache. This kind of makes me nervous because I always get headaches before AF arrives. So I hope it is not an indicator that she is on her way. Over the weekend I had lower back pain. Another AF indicator. I also have not been sleeping well at night. Tossing and turning, can't get comfortable. This all may or may not be related to anything. Just things I thought I would note in case I ever needed to refer back.


So for now I am just hanging out, waiting until Saturday....trying to keep myself busy! I know as Saturday approaches I will become more anxious but there is nothing I can do at this point. If the IUI worked or didn't work, it has already been decided. Can't change the outcome. Just need to breathe and let it be.

Happy Tuesday :)

I am 29????!

Yesterday was my birthday! I turned 29! I can't believe I am entering the last year of my twenties. I had a wonderful day at work. My BFF Ali made me homemade cupcakes and I only had about three one of them! I was treated to a pizza lunch and received beautiful flowers. Last evening we went out to dinner with the family. It was Italian food and it was delicious. I received so many nice and thoughtful gifts but honestly, the best gift was being surrounded by my family and laughing so hard my stomach hurt. Nothing beats it.

Homemade Funfetti Cupcakes from the BFF Ali - SO DELISH!

My favorite people in the world (missing a couple though)

I remember when I was younger and thinking that thirty sounded so old. I also thought by now I would have everything I ever wanted in life. I thought I would be done having children by the time I am thirty. Nope. Not even close. I mean, Tom and I only want two or three kids but still...I am not even knocked up yet so being finished having children by thirty is completely out of the question. Yes, I graduated college, own a home (well sorta...does having a giant mortgage count??), own my car (same thing...almost done paying that thing off), am married to a good man, have a good paying job, have two dogs, etc. To most it would seem that I have a lot going for me. I was able to check off a lot of the boxes that some people think are necessary to check in order to be considered an adult or successful. But there are definitely many other boxes that I haven't checked yet. I have never been to Europe. I don't know how to drive stick shift. I need to get myself in shape and healthy.  I want to see the west coast of the U.S. I want to be one of those people that can let loose and just be OK with where they are in life.  There is so many more things that I want to do with my life. Most importantly, I want to have a child. I know that growing up, you have all of these great plans for your life in your head. What you will be like, where you will work, the person you will fall madly in love with, the house you will buy, etc. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with dreaming or having high expectations for your life. In fact, I encourage it. Dream big. Set high goals. Be ambitious. But most of all, be realistic and be open. Don't be hard on yourself if things don't pan out the way you thought they would. This is something I have learned in the past year. It is also something I struggle with accepting everyday. I am getting better at it, but I am not fully there yet.

They say everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that to be the case. The hard part is that sometimes, we never get to know the reason. We don't get to know why things happened the way they did or when they did. Just know that it is for a reason and be OK with that.

Something I am working on every single second of my life...

Can't wait to see what 29 has in store for me!