Shattered

In June, Tom and I underwent what is called an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). I was prescribed Clomid to help induce ovulation and then we would do the IUI right around ovulation time. We learned that our insurance did not cover the cost of IUI. We would be spending $457.00 each time we did an IUI. This cycle, I had two mature follicles. That was great news. We went ahead and scheduled the IUI. The day of the IUI, they did an ultrasound and we learned that I did not ovulate yet but based on the size of the follicles, I would most likely ovulate in the next day. So Dr. G decided that we would need to do another IUI the following day. Luckily if you do more than one IUI in the same cycle, the second one is half off. Kind of like Payless's BOGO deal...except you don't get shoes.

We went ahead and did back to back IUIs and then we waited. It was the longest 10 days of my life. I will never forget the day when we took that test, and there were two lines. I had never seen two lines. We were ecstatic. It was a Saturday. I will never forget it. June 28, 2014. We had tickets to the Phillies game that day. It was an anniversary gift that I had gotten Tom. The first year is paper, hence the tickets. 

We were on cloud nine the entire day. At the baseball game, we even bought a bib to have a memento from the day we found out we were expecting.

We did not tell anyone yet. I call the Dr's office first thing on Monday morning and they had me come in for a blood test. They called later that day. My HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were 27. I was pregnant. 

I remember calling Tom outside of work and we were both crying and so happy and excited all at the same time. I had to go back to the Dr's office on Thursday to make sure my levels were doubling the appropriate amount. 

Those days leading up to Thursday were the happiest days. We calculate that our baby would be due in March. March 11, 2015. We started talking about names and the nursery. I don't think we ever smiled as much in our lives as we did those couple of days. We were planning on telling our immediate family on the 4th of July (it's my Moms birthday). We purchased a onesie that says "My First Fourth" and we were going to wrap it up and give it to my Mom as a present. We were so excited to tell our close family about our news. 

On Thursday, July 3, 2014 I went back to the Dr's office. I got my blood taken and then went back to work to finish the remainder of the day. It felt like a Friday since the 4th of July was the following day and work would be closed. 

That same day, my best friend Ali asked me if I had found out how the IUI went. I told her I didn't know anything yet. Yes, I lied to my best friend. Obviously, I wasn't a very good liar because she asked me again a couple minutes later when we were in the conference room and I just started smiling and crying and shook my head yes. She started crying and we were both crying and laughing. She was so happy for us. She was the first and only person I told. 

Later that day, Ali and I and another co-worker went out to lunch.  We were at Chickies and Pete's. I remember trying to figure out secretly if there was any food or drinks that I shouldn't be eating. In the middle of eating our lunch, my phone rang. I looked and saw it was the Dr's office. My heart immediately started beating. I ran out of the restaurant to take the call outside. 

I answered the phone and then with one sentence, my world shattered. 

"We received your results back and your levels aren't doubling and we believe you are experiencing a miscarriage."

My whole world was shattered with that one sentence.

Maybe Next Year's Christmas Card...

Today is November 17, 2014. Next week is Thanksgiving. Everyone knows the second Thanksgiving dinner is over and the turkey is put into Tupperware, the Christmas tree's get hauled out, the lights get strung, and Christmas music is on every station for the next month.

I absolutely LOVE this time of year. Spending time with family and friends, baking cookies, decorating the house, cutting down a tree, shopping, wrapping, all of it. I live for it. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. When you live in the infertility world though, the holidays lose a small sense of luster for you. Every holiday, couples that struggle with infertility are reminded of their struggles, especially at Christmas time. Christmas time is all about children. Seeing kids sit on Santa's lap at the mall, writing their Christmas lists, seeing their eyes light up when Santa comes down the street on a fire truck. The innocence in their eyes brings everyone back to their own childhood.

As a person dealing with infertility, it is also a reminder of my diagnosis. It was just last year that I was dreaming of announcing a pregnancy on our Christmas cards or surprising our families on Christmas day by wrapping an ultrasound picture. I even held off purchasing my Christmas cards just for the small possibility that I might get pregnant and be able to announce it then.

Here I am one year later. I am having the same thoughts in my head as last year. This year, I thought, would be the year we would have a child on our card or at least an ultrasound photo. Unfortunately, this is not the year for us. I will end up buying generic holiday cards and mailing them out to family and friends. In return, I will receive tons of cards with pictures of babies and families on them. I love getting cards and seeing people's families grow. I do not want to come off bitter about that in any way. It does sting though and as I said before, it is a small reminder of what is missing in my life.

I am hoping with any ounce of hope that is left in my soul, that next Christmas, I will have a child or ultrasound picture to put on our holiday card. "Maybe next year" is becoming an all too familiar phrase...

Clomid, HSG, IUI, and Bears..oh my!

The day finally arrived. March 13, 2014. It was time for our appointment with our RE. We had a slew of paperwork to fill out prior to our appointment. We arrived and met with the doctor. I will refer to him as Dr. G. We sat in his office and he basically confirmed that I had PCOS. He told us that our chances for trying were 0-0 because I never ovulated on my own. He said he would rather see 0-0 then 0-10. At least, with an 0-0 record, he could try to fix the ovulation issue and that would give us a fighting chance.

Dr. G ordered me a full lab work up. I got blood taken there in the office and then had to go to the hospital to get a million more gallons taken. He wanted to check everything off of the list. He also said he would need to get a semen analysis. He was not thrilled about that but he knew it was what needed to be done. Dr. G also spat our words and acronyms that had no meaning to me such as: Clomid, HSG, and IUI. Huh? I had no clue what he was referring to. I just nodded and tried to take it all in. He said that they were going to start doing a number of things right away to get the ball started. I loved his aggressive-ness and enthusiasm. I loved that someone was finally listening to me.

In addition to the blood work, I also had an ultrasound done that day in the office. They told me that the ultrasound showed that my uterine lining was EXTREMELY thick. He ordered me a prescription for Provera. I had to take 1 pill a day for 10 days and then I should expect my cycle to start shortly after. He warned that it was going to be an awful cycle and boy was it ever. I will spare you the details, let's just say, I didn't think I would survive it.

The other really fun part was having a Cycle Day (CD) 3 ultrasound done. So after I finished taking the Provera, and once I finally got a period, I was supposed to call Dr. G and they made an appointment for me to come in for a CD 3 ultrasound. Did I mention the ultrasounds are done internally, as in vaginally? Yeah so um, imagine having that done during the worst period imaginable. Not good times at all. I was scarred for life after that appointment. The CD3 ultrasound showed that my lining was still very thick and I would need to go on Provera again. Ugh! What a bummer. This is why I am pissed at my gyno. She acted as though it was no big deal that I hadn't gotten a cycle when in fact it is a very big deal. Dr. G explained to me that allowing your uterine lining to build up like that puts you at an increased risk for uterine cancer. That was a hard sentence to hear. No one wants to hear that they are at an increased risk for any kind of cancer. I decided then and there that I would be switching gynos.

My blood work came back normal. Well not normal but what they expected it to show for a patient with PCOS. So I was left just waiting for a cycle again. Story of my life...

What's wrong with me?

After being diagnosed with PCOS by my gyno, she prescribed me a medication called Metformin. Metformin is used for insulin resistance. Metformin is commonly used for people with diabetes but it has been known to help women with PCOS. If you want to read more about it, go here:

http://www.webmd.com/women/metformin-glucophage-for-polycystic-ovary-syndrome

But don't stay on WebMD for too long because that place is legit scary!

I was told by my gyno to start out taking 500mg (1 pill) and then slowly work my way up to 1000mg. Metformin is known to wreck your stomach. And boy did it ever. My stomach was so messed up for the first couple of weeks. Anytime I ate a carb, I paid for it later. Literally it was awful. Like so gross and so freaking awful. This is why so many women lose weight on this medication when they first start taking it. I lost about 10lbs which is not much but definitely better than nothing. I finally worked my way up to 1000mg/daily and I even got a cycle after 40 days. I was so excited and thought that it was starting to regulate my body. Then, I didn't get another cycle for over 100 days.

During that 100 day lull, when I was just waiting, feeling like a ticking time bomb, a high-school friend of mine had reached out to me. She had experienced two miscarriages and we had discussed our struggles with each other. She recently starting going to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) aka Fertility Specialist and highly recommend that I go see him also. I made an appointment that very day. This was March 2014...7 months ago. Tom and I were very excited and finally felt like we were taking control of the situation. Up until this point, I was not really getting any guidance from my gyno and I felt more or less like a pain every time I called. I didn't understand why I wasn't getting my period normally and why it didn't seem like a big deal to her. I felt like I was broken. I felt like I was letting Tom down. Who wants to marry someone that is going to have trouble having children? I thought about it and dwelled on it all the time. I cried when I saw babies or when I heard other people were pregnant. It was not an easy time in our marriage. I was not a happy person. I felt broken and I was mad. I was mad at God and angry that other people didn't struggle like I did. Looking back on that dark time now, I am happy to say that those days of thinking that way are for the most part over with. Sure, I still get upset, and I still ask "Why Me?" but then I let it go and hold on to the tiny sliver of hope. Knowing that a lot of women are going through this also helps. Knowing you aren't alone is one of the most comforting things. I would have dark days but definitely more sunny days then rainy days. I clung to the hope that one day we would be parents. One day we would be holding a baby in our arms. We couldn't wait to meet my RE.

The Lucky Ones

So the main reason that I picked my blog back up was due to something very personal that we have been struggling with. We both knew that we wanted to have children. That was never a question for us. I have loved babies and kids since I was little and couldn't wait to be a mommy one day. In August 2013, we started officially trying. And by trying I mean, I stopped taking my birth control and we were just going to see what happened. I had always had a feeling in the back of my head that I would have trouble conceiving. I am not sure why I had the feeling, but I just did. When it came time to start though, I thought maybe we would be one of the lucky ones that it just happens to right away. 

Unfortunately, we were not one of the lucky ones. I hadn't had a normal cycle in many months. I had no idea if I was even ovulating. I contacted my gyno and she assured me it was just my body adjusting to being off of birth control. After I didn't get a cycle for a couple months, I finally made an appointment to go in and discuss things with my gyno. She ran a series of bloodwork. When the results came back, she informed me that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

For those of you that do not know what PCOS is, here is a brief description from  PCOS Foundation. org (http://www.pcosfoundation.org/index.php):

PCOS is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome, and is one of the most common hormonal endocrine disorders in women. PCOS has been recognized and diagnosed for seventy-five years. There are many signs and symptoms that a woman may experience. Since PCOS cannot be diagnosed with one test alone and symptoms vary from woman to woman, PCOS has been known as the “Silent Killer”. Early diagnosis of PCOS is important as it has been linked to an increased risk for developing several medical risks including insulin resistance, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and heart disease.

Many women may experience weight gain or obesity, yet there are others who may be very lean. Multiple cysts on ovaries in a "string of pearls” pattern is also an indicator for PCOS. In addition, this hormonal imbalance can cause Insulin Resistance, which is also a prime indicator that you may have PCOS. Women suffering from PCOS may experience high testosterone levels, which cause other signs and symptoms such as Hirsutism (excessive hair growth), male pattern baldness and acne. This high level of testosterone can also prevent the ovaries from releasing an egg each month.

5-10% of women of childbearing age are affected by PCOS, with less than 50% of women diagnosed. This leaves millions of women undiagnosed. PCOS is responsible for 70% of infertility issues in women who have difficulty ovulating. Post menopausal women can also suffer from PCOS.

Studies have shown that approximately 40% of patients with diabetes and/or glucose intolerance between the ages of 20-50 have PCOS.

In addition, some studies have found that if a mother has PCOS, there is a 50% chance that her daughter will have PCOS.

The good news is that early diagnosis and proper education can help women lower all these risk factors and live a happy, healthier life.

So of course when I was told of my diagnosis, I was devastated. The internet is not a kind place when you are trying to conceive (TTC). There are millions of women struggling and millions of stories out there. Some are good, and some are not so good. It is so difficult to read heartbreaking stories from women that just want to be a mom. It seems like such a simple thing right? They teach us in high school that it only takes one time and BAM your life can change forever. But as I have learned and as many other couples out there know, it can take many many more times then once. It can take years. 

So this brings me to my post today. I wanted to start this not only for myself, to keep a little journal of my journey, but for anyone else out there who is going through this process. We have been trying for over a year now. We are not pregnant yet. It is something that I think about every single day of my life. I know one day it will happen for us, but until then, the battle both inside my mind and outside will continue to wear on us. I will share more about what happened after my diagnosis and different things that we tried to help our chances soon. 

Lemon Showers

So I am doing this blog a little backwards, but it is my blog so I can do what I want right? I know I skipped over a ton of important details and events leading up to the wedding. One of them that I must share with you is my AAAAAAmazing bridal shower. I am not kidding it was unreal. My bridesmaids and Mom did an outstanding job. The place was gorgeous, the food was delicious, and the details were incredible. We all know what my new last name is. Lemon. Yes, just like the fruit. So my bridesmaids decided to go with a lemon themed shower.

It was at Trattoria Giuseppe's in this big room. All of my closest family and friends were there. My sister in law even made a lemonade stand as a wishing well.

I will not blab any more,  I will just get on to the good stuff and show you some pictures!

                                                         a lemon themed dessert table!

                                                  who else has a lemonade stand at their shower?

the mason jar centerpieces were adorbable

favors for every guest! lemonade mix (in a mason jar), a lemon head, and a lemon candy stick! 

                                             my friends and family are very generous

love this LEMON framed piece

this hanger is precious

my sister and Jeanene making the final touches! 

my 'maids'

my heart <3 my sister Jenn, Mom Mom Doris, Mom, and cousin Nikki 

I can go on and on about how wonderful it was but really I just want to thank my wonderful bridesmaids and mom. They put their heart and soul into the shower and made it so special for me right down to the lemon drops on every plate. I cannot imagine the time and money they spent but they were happy to do it. That is why I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have these people in my corner. They are there for me no matter what. At the end of the day, it isn't about lemon drops or mason jars, it is about who is standing beside you. I am so blessed to have these wonderful women standing beside me throughout this roller coaster ride called life. 

Update: Wedding & Honeymoon 1 Year Late!

So it has been some time since I have blogged. I kinda stopped leading up to the wedding. Life got crazy and I had a crap ton of things to get done for the wedding that I did not have time to blog about it! Don't worry, there was still a wedding and it was absolutely beautiful! We have been married for a little over a year now. It was truly the best day of my life.

For our honeymoon we went to Nassau, Bahamas and stayed at an amazing resort. The water was crystal clear, the sand was white, and the drinks were cold. We relaxed by the pool and on the private island almost everyday. We went into the city and did some shopping. We also swam with the Dolphins. We had a wonderful time and cannot wait to go back one day. 

Married life has been great. Not much has changed which I guess is a good thing. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary on Easter. We went back to The Desmond and stayed over night. We went out to eat and had some drinks. We did miss our puppies though! We got up early and celebrated Easter with our families. And YES we did eat our cake from our wedding day. It wasn't awful but lets just say, I wasn't anxious to have another slice!  It was a wonderful way to spend our anniversary weekend. 

Tom got me a beautiful necklace! I got him an UP card and tickets to the Phillies (paper)

Our cake and Easter Day Fun! 

And before I go, here is one more picture just because they are so darn cute!

BFFs