Going Crazy 12DPIUI & Weekend Recap!

So today is 12DPIUI. I am beginning to go crazy. I was doing very well up until this point. The closer it gets to finding out if it worked or not, the crazier I get. Go figure.

This past weekend, we drove to visit my Pop-Pop down the shore. He was thrilled that he had visitors. He drove us around his neighborhood and took us out to his favorite local restaurant. We also spent a good deal of time looking at old pictures. It is amazing how many pictures my Grand mom took of the kids. And she had 6 of them! I know pictures are so common in this day and age where all you need is your phone to capture a picture. But think about it. Back in the 60s & 70s it wasn't as simple. She saved their report cards, their First Holy Communion Cards, and managed to capture their entire childhood. It was really cool to look at pictures of my Dad when he was young.

Here are some photos:

My Dad when he was just a baby! So Cute! 

My Dad - Prob around 5th or 6th Grade

My Dad & Grandmom - High School Graduation

My Dad when he graduate boot camp in the Navy

After he graduated, they went to Disney World. This is my Dad driving the Monorail! They said as soon as they learned Disney didn't have any alcohol, they left LOL 

My Mom, My Great Aunt Margaret, and my Mom-Mom at my Dad's Boot Camp Graduation Party

I am so glad I was able to get copies of these pictures. This is something that I will love having one day when I am older.


On Sunday we got our taxes done. Boy being married really bites when it comes time to file your taxes. I mean the good thing is we don't owe any money but because we made a decent amount in 2014, we were put into the next tax bracket and are only getting a little bit back. The guy who did our taxes recommended that we have a kid! HA! If you only knew!! Turns out, we couldn't deduct any of our fertility costs because it didn't add up to 10% of our total income. Bummer. We would have had to spent around $11,000 to be able to write our infertility expenses off. I think we were only around $4,000.00 for 2014. Seems like so much more though. Oh well.

So I began testing out my trigger on Monday. Today is Wednesday. I am still getting positives on the internet cheapie tests. I am not sure what to think. Here is a progression picture. The top is Monday and the bottom is today. Thoughts? Is the line getting darker or lighter? I can't tell. My gut tells me it is getting darker but I don't know.

I called the RE this morning. I asked when can I officially test. The receptionist put me on hold to ask the nurse. She came back and said that I could test two weeks after the IUI. I said "Well I had two IUIs back to back so which one counts?" (Everything needs to be very specific for me). She said two weeks after the last one. So that puts me at Friday, February 13. Ugh, two more days! I woke up with a pimple on my chin this morning. Ugh, please don't let that mean AF is on her way. I do not have my usual headache or backache. Taking it as a good sign. My boobs hurt randomly and get twinges and almost burning sensations in them at random times? Idk, my body is whack! I am feeling all kinds of twinges and things in my ovaries area but again, my body is whack so this could all mean nothing. So currently, I am going crazy. So yeah, that's about all for now! Happy Hump Day!

Still waiting...7DPIUI

This TWW is maybe the longest ever!! I am only a week in! UGGGHH!!


So I am kind of hopeful this time. Last time I just had a feeling it didn't work but this time I kind of have a feeling that it will? Is that bad to say? Am I jinxing myself? Maybe.
Does it really matter at this point though? I have done it both ways.....been negative the whole time and when I get a BFN I am devastated. I have been positive the whole time before also and when I get a BFN I am devastated. No matter what, I am always devastated. I feel twinges and cramping and I am not sure if I have felt that before or not. I am taking it as a good sign!

This weekend we are taking a trip down the shore (such a PA/NJ thing to say) to visit my Pop-Pop. He lives down there permanently. His health has been declining and we haven't seen him in a while. Sunday we are getting our taxes done. Monday I can start testing out my trigger. EEK!

I have 3 baby showers coming up. I love buying and looking at baby stuff. I am literally obsessed with all of it. I can't wait to register and start decorating a nursery and make sure my baby has everything he/she needs and probably lots of stuff he/she doesn't need! I cannot wait to be a mommy one day. I promise I will be a good one.

Please let it be my turn.

Waiting.....Groundhog day

I know, I know, yesterday was ground hog day not today!! But honestly, I truly feel that each month is ground hog day for me. Same thing, different month! I need a change! I need a baby!


So I am about 5DPO today. I am never really sure what to go by since they give me the trigger shot and then I have two back to back IUIs. I went in this morning for my HCG booster shot. They took a look inside and said the right ovary was larger than the left but that it was nothing serious.
Ok if you say so!

So now I just wait. And hope. And pray. And wait.

They told me I could test in eight days which would be February 11, 2015. 1 week from today.
I expressed my concerns that last time they told me I could test, the test was showing up positive 8 days after the booster and again 9 days after the booster. Ten days after the booster I woke up with AF so I didn't even bother to test. The RE said it was possible that I had a chemical but there was really no way to know unless they did blood work on my the the eighth day after the booster. They didn't do blood because it fell on a weekend and the office is closed.  My RE said I could start testing out the booster at six days past the booster. I will definitely do this because I want to be sure that it is the booster or it isn't the booster.

So anyways, that is all that is really going on in my life. This cycle flew by and now it is dragging. I am pretty sure that is the norm though for most TTC ladies. The one weird part is that today is only CD17 for me. And I am already 5DPO. The cycles are getting faster and faster thanks to the injections.

We are going to get our taxes done this weekend and we are going to find out if we can write off some of these medical expenses.

I will do another post outlining our fertility expenses in 2014 soon!

For now cross your fingers, toes, and eyeballs. Say a prayer. Make a wish. Please hope that this works for us this time! I had a dream last night that there was a fetus inside of me. Not a baby, but a fetus. This was the first time I have ever dreamed that before during the TWW - maybe a good sign??? I will take anything I can get as a good sign!! We will see!

IUI#6

So by the title of this post, you can safely assume that IUI#5 did not work. I knew it. I said before that I just had a strong feeling that it wasn't going to work. I tested on January 17 like I was told too and it was positive. Clear as day. It was light but still positive. I didn't know whether to be excited or happy. I had my guard up. I also started spotting. I called the on-call RE just because I was worried. What if I am pregnant and I am spotting? Is it still the booster HCG shot? What should I do? She called me back and basically told me that the booster should be out of my system. So either I was pregnant and spotting was common in early pregnancy or I was having a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. Lovely. Luckily, I kept my guard up and on Monday morning AF arrived in full force. Good Morning and Happy Monday to you too!! Ugh, another failed cycle. Another disappointment. I called the RE and told them my news. I was told to come in for my baseline so we can start again. This was all starting to get old...

So when I went in for my CD3 baseline ultrasound and blood, I had some questions for the RE. I wanted to know how many times I should continue doing the IUIs. Am I wasting our money each month? Is there something else wrong with me? Do I have endometriosis? Here I go again with my questions.

The PA (Physician's Assistant) who I see often is so sweet. She listened to my concerns. She heard me. She was just as frustrated. She did not sugar coat things for me which is what I wanted and needed. She told me that I was definitely one of their more stubborn patients and my body wasn't responding the way that they want it too. She also said that she really does believe that IUI with injectables will work for me and that only 20% of their patients have to go on to do IVF. She said that I had my age on my side. She also said, that she understands that it is hard to hear these things. She wants it to work just as much as I do. She told me that we were going to go forward with IUI#6 and that they were going to UP my Gonal F dosage from 150 to 225 everyday. She also recommended that we do another HSG test. This is a test where they inject dye into your uterus and watch it on an Xray machine. The dye is supposed to flow through your tubes and spill out. This will show whether or not your tube are blocked. Welp, on Monday, January 26 I had the HSG done. Guess what...

Right tube blocked. 

Lovely. I was both annoyed and kind of relieved at the same time. Annoyed that I didn't know about this a year ago and relieved in a way that maybe this was the reason it wasn't happening for us. All of those times I thought I had 3-4 follicles, I may have only actually had 1 on the left side. The follicles on the right don't have a chance since the tube is blocked. I asked what the next step is after finding out it is blocked. They said there really wasn't anything more we could do and to just keep moving forward. I know you can have a surgery done to try to clear the blockage and that may be an option down the line.


Today is CD11. I got my HCG trigger shot yesterday and had an IUI this morning. I had in total five follicles. Three of the five were on the left ovary and they said my lead follicle was on the left side. This was good news. I will go back again tomorrow for another IUI. I should ovulate sometime today. Both my RE and the PA were very pleased with my cycle. I got congratulated on what a good cycle it looks like. I have heard this all before though. This is definitely the earliest I have ever gotten an IUI done. In the beginning, I was a late ovulater...like CD18-20 and now I am ovulating on CD11. Crazy!!

So after I have the IUI again tomorrow, the TWW begins. I can only hope and pray and try to keep the faith and IUI#6 is the one that will work for us.

Life sucks

So tomorrow is THE day...the day I will take the test to find out if IUI#5 worked. After my last post, I started to test every morning because I got nervous that if tomorrow's test is positive, how will I know that it is truly a positive and not the HCG booster still in my system??? I would hate to have to deal with a false positive. What a let down that would be. So I tested Wed, Thurs, and this morning. There was definitely a second line on Wed and Thurs and maybe the slightest line there this morning. The lines are definitely getting lighter.

I have a strong feeling that IUI#5 did not work. I lost it yesterday. My Mom-Mom is back in the hospital and I went to visit her. She told me that she was ready to die. To say that she has gone through hell and back during the past few years would be an understatement. She has gone through so many treatments and illnesses. She is tired and I can't blame her. She has fought harder than anyone I know. Hearing her say those words "I am ready to die" just cut me like a knife. I tried to joke with her about it and say that she didn't get "dying" approved by me yet and she has to run everything by me first. She started to smile a little bit but you could tell she was defeated. Seeing her this way just made me lose it. I gently rubbed her arm and quietly whispered "But I don't want you to die." Tears streamed down my face. I tried to keep it together but everything that has been going on in life just caught up to me and I could not hold it in anymore.

On the way home from the hospital I got sad thinking about the fact that my child may never know my Mom-mom. She is such a great person and I would love to make her a Great Grandmother. I know she would be over the moon. She absolutely adores babies and children. I crumbled at the thought that I may not make that a reality for her. Then I started to question again and got angry.
What more does my family have to endure? Why are we going through this? Why is this happening to us?

I came home and was just not in a good place. I cried a lot last night and a lot more this morning. I woke up with a horrible migraine. I am sure it is from stress and crying and probably because AF is on the way. I am saddened by this process. I am angry and bitter. I hate that this is changing me. I hate that it is making me cynical and angry. When does it end? Is everything we are going through worth it? When does it end? At what cost?

More questions that no one can answer...

HCG Booster Shot and 9 DPIUI Update

This past Friday I went into my RE for an HCG booster shot. They used whatever was left from my trigger shot. I had an ultrasound first to make sure I didn't have too many follicles or anything that the HCG would hinder. I was studying the screen intently trying to see if I could see anything in there.

Both the ultrasound tech and my RE told me repeatedly that it was way too early to tell by ultrasound and blood work. BOO! A girl can hope though right??

So I got the OK to get the shot. Another shot right in the butt and Tom and I were out of there.

I did ask the RE prior to getting the shot, when I would be able to test. She told me the shot typically takes 8 days to get out of people's systems so my official test date is Saturday, January 17, 2015. That is officially 14 days past my first IUI and 13 days past the second IUI.

I am proud to say that I have not peed on a stick this entire cycle. Some people may think that is no big deal but for me, it is a huge accomplishment!! Actually, I lied, the day I got the IUI I took a test just to see those 2 pink lines. I came down the steps yelling "Tom, look it worked!! The IUI worked super fast!!!" He knew I was kidding since I literally had just done the IUI 2 hours prior to that but it was still funny. Tom even said, "Oh so that's where the second line is supposed to be! Now I know where to look." I would always have Tom play the 'analyze the pee stick' game with me to see if he saw the slightest hint of a second line. This test taught me that where there is HCG in your system, you will know. There will be no need to squint!

Anyways, I am 9DPIUI today and am feeling 100% normal. Only things of note are yesterday and today I have been dealing with a slight headache. This kind of makes me nervous because I always get headaches before AF arrives. So I hope it is not an indicator that she is on her way. Over the weekend I had lower back pain. Another AF indicator. I also have not been sleeping well at night. Tossing and turning, can't get comfortable. This all may or may not be related to anything. Just things I thought I would note in case I ever needed to refer back.


So for now I am just hanging out, waiting until Saturday....trying to keep myself busy! I know as Saturday approaches I will become more anxious but there is nothing I can do at this point. If the IUI worked or didn't work, it has already been decided. Can't change the outcome. Just need to breathe and let it be.

Happy Tuesday :)

I am 29????!

Yesterday was my birthday! I turned 29! I can't believe I am entering the last year of my twenties. I had a wonderful day at work. My BFF Ali made me homemade cupcakes and I only had about three one of them! I was treated to a pizza lunch and received beautiful flowers. Last evening we went out to dinner with the family. It was Italian food and it was delicious. I received so many nice and thoughtful gifts but honestly, the best gift was being surrounded by my family and laughing so hard my stomach hurt. Nothing beats it.

Homemade Funfetti Cupcakes from the BFF Ali - SO DELISH!

My favorite people in the world (missing a couple though)

I remember when I was younger and thinking that thirty sounded so old. I also thought by now I would have everything I ever wanted in life. I thought I would be done having children by the time I am thirty. Nope. Not even close. I mean, Tom and I only want two or three kids but still...I am not even knocked up yet so being finished having children by thirty is completely out of the question. Yes, I graduated college, own a home (well sorta...does having a giant mortgage count??), own my car (same thing...almost done paying that thing off), am married to a good man, have a good paying job, have two dogs, etc. To most it would seem that I have a lot going for me. I was able to check off a lot of the boxes that some people think are necessary to check in order to be considered an adult or successful. But there are definitely many other boxes that I haven't checked yet. I have never been to Europe. I don't know how to drive stick shift. I need to get myself in shape and healthy.  I want to see the west coast of the U.S. I want to be one of those people that can let loose and just be OK with where they are in life.  There is so many more things that I want to do with my life. Most importantly, I want to have a child. I know that growing up, you have all of these great plans for your life in your head. What you will be like, where you will work, the person you will fall madly in love with, the house you will buy, etc. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with dreaming or having high expectations for your life. In fact, I encourage it. Dream big. Set high goals. Be ambitious. But most of all, be realistic and be open. Don't be hard on yourself if things don't pan out the way you thought they would. This is something I have learned in the past year. It is also something I struggle with accepting everyday. I am getting better at it, but I am not fully there yet.

They say everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that to be the case. The hard part is that sometimes, we never get to know the reason. We don't get to know why things happened the way they did or when they did. Just know that it is for a reason and be OK with that.

Something I am working on every single second of my life...

Can't wait to see what 29 has in store for me!

What up 2015?

Happy New Year!! I cannot believe another year has come and gone. New Years is always bittersweet. You reminisce about the past year. The good times and the bad. You think about the upcoming year. What will it bring this year? Good or bad or a little of both? What will you do differently this year?

Each holiday is a milestone for me. Another reminder that I am still not pregnant and still do not have a child. Another year without a baby. Then I start to analyze when I will need to get pregnant to avoid having to go through the next set of holidays without being depressed.

It is such a mind game. Maybe I do it to myself? Yes, I definitely do it to myself. But I don't know how to NOT think about it. I don't know how to NOT obsess. Maybe that will be my New Years resolution? Try to let things be and don't over analyze? Hmm...think I can do??

So today is CD 13. I went to my RE for like the 400th time this cycle (these $50 co-pays are really adding up) and they gave me the trigger shot in my buttocks. I felt like Forrest Gump. "Something bit me!"

In all seriousness, it really wasn't that bad at all. Tomorrow we go in for IUI #5. If I haven't ovulated by tomorrow, we will go back in for another IUI Sunday morning. Back to backs! We did back to back IUIs the first time. It worked but unfortunately ended in a miscarriage. I am weirdly hoping we do have to do back to back IUIs just because that was the only time it worked for us. I also have to go back in a week to get another shot of HCG. The RE said it was a booster shot. Never heard of this but the internet TTC people reassured me that it is normal.

This is my first time ever doing the HCG trigger shot. It is going to drive me crazy because I won't be able to test. Like the entire time. I know some people think "what's the big deal?" BUT for me, I can't help it but test. I want to know as soon as possible if it worked or not. But maybe this will be a good thing?? Maybe it will force me to focus my energy elsewhere?

My Birthday is on Wednesday. I will be 29. I definitely want to have a kid before I am 30 so this year is the real deal. Do or die time 2015. Let's do this.

Christmas & CD 10 - Gonal FFFFFF you!

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I know we did! I was surprisingly upbeat and did not let my infertility get the best of me like I did on Thanksgiving.

We spent Christmas Eve with Tom's family and my family. It is so nice being able to have both of our families in the same place. My family is very close with Tom's family so it makes life a lot more easier. Our families are our biggest support systems. We are so very lucky to have them in our lives.

Each Christmas Eve, Tom and his sisters take turns on who hosts. This year it was his sister Kelly's turn. Everything was great. The food was good, the house was cheery, and the kids were bouncing off the walls. It was just like Christmas Eve should be! We gave the kids their presents and then did an adult Pollyanna. It is always fun to see what you are going to end up with. The gifts were pretty good this year. We ended up with a gift card to our favorite Italian BYOB and a poker table and 4 folding chairs. Not too shabby!

Christmas Day we woke up and exchanged gifts with each other. Tom was in a Michael Kors mood this Christmas. He spoiled me. I got a new rose gold MK watch, MK slippers (who knew they even made these?!), MK leather flats (love and they even fit my wide ass feet), and some prefume and a Labrador Retriever calendar. It is tradition that he gets me the calendar every year (even though I tell him to wait until after the New Year for it to be marked down 75% but he insists on giving it as a Christmas gift). I gave Tom a bunch of random guy things. Jeans, shirts, cologne, a fishing chair, hat, sneakers, sweatshirt, and a case of Surge. Remember Surge from the 90s?? Tom loved it and was so excited to get it again. Coke recently started making it again and sells it exclusively on Amazon.

Then we gave the doggies their stockings. They got busy bones, Frisbees, balls, kongs, and a bunch of other stuff that will ultimately be destroyed.

Here are some pictures from our Christmas:

Christmas Eve

Top: 2013
Bottom: 2014
These kids need to stop growing up so fast!

Christmas Eve! 

Christmas Day

Santa left some stuff for the Labs!

Dunkin Donuts, Breakfast, Surge, MK, and Togetherness!

Wonderful Christmas with great memories!

Christmas Eve I had to give myself my first Gonal F shot all by myself. It wasn't bad at all. Tom came for moral support. It was done in about 3 minutes and then we went back to the festivities. Same thing Christmas Day. It is annoying having to bring the shot with you (which has to be refrigerated) and the disposal canister and the gauze and the alcohol wipes! Geez! It is like bringing a baby and all of their stuff without having a baby yet! Honestly though, the shots aren't bad at all. On the 26th, the day after Christmas we went back for a follow up appointment at the RE to check on things. The RE said that everything is progressing the way it should be and they wanted to see me back on Monday. Man oh man, these co-pays really add up. $50 each time! Sheesh! It's killing us! Yesterday, I went back for another check and looks like there is 1 follicle on the left side and a bunch of little guys on the right. I thought for sure there would be more but the RE said that if we need to do this again next time, we will need to up my dosage. Currently, I am doing 150 per shot. I go back again tomorrow for another check and will do the trigger shot. Then I will do IUI most likely on Friday! Exciting stuff! Hoping this time works but trying not to allow myself to get my hopes up too much! 2015 please be good to us! 

50% chance in the next 4 months?

I went to the RE yesterday for my CD3 ultrasound, blood work, and for them to teach me how to use the injections. Everything looked good on the ultrasound and we are ready to start again.

The nurse showed me how to give myself the injection and it really wasn't bad. I have a killer headache today though and I am chalking it up to the Gonal F. I have to give myself another shot this evening and again tomorrow night. So tonight for Christmas Eve dinner I am bringing the buffalo chicken dip, the spinach dip, some wine, and my Gonal F shot that needs to be put in my sister in law's refrigerator. Definitely something I never thought I would be doing. I will have to slip away for a little and go give myself the shot. Same thing on Christmas day.

Then on Friday, the 26th, I have to go back for a check to make sure the dose is good and doesn't need to be downgraded or upgraded. The only appointment they had was for 7:30 AM. So that's fun! Merry Christmas! Here are some needles and you get to get up bright and early the day after Christmas and drive in so we can probe you some more.

I kid though and deep down, I am very excited about it. So I spoke to the RE for about 2 minutes. He said to me, "let's try to get you pregnant already!" I was like "ummm yeah that is the point!" I can't believe it will be a year in March since we first started going to the RE's office. So he was very excited that we were starting injectables this cycle. Then he said something that I wasn't sure how to take...

"I give you a 50% chance of getting pregnant in the next 4 months"

Is that good or bad? I have no idea what to think about that statement. I don't know if I should be excited or sad. So I was left a little confused...that's different :) 

Last night we celebrated my Mom-Mom's 84th Birthday! She has been in and out of hospitals and rehabs for a year and a half now. At one point she was even on hospice and they told us to prepare ourselves for the end. But Mom Mom Doris had other plans. She said she was not ready to die. So she decided not to die and started fighting. She is probably the strongest person I know. She refuses to give up even when everyone is telling her she should. She doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She does it her way. She will be coming home soon and she is thrilled about it.  Happy 84th Birthday Mom-Mom and many many more! 

My Mom, Mom-Mom, My sister Jenn, and Myself - Mom Mom & Her Girls 

Happy 84th Birthday Mom Mom! I love you! 

The True Meaning Of Christmas

So last evening, we presented the family in need with all of their donations. It was a magical evening. They came in and thought they were just coming to have a slice of pizza with us.

My co-worker started by telling him that after we met with him and he showed us all of his bills, his situation weighed heavily on our hearts. We just had to do something to help. I told him how I reached out on Facebook to my local community and even to other groups on Facebook. People from all over the country contributed to this family's Christmas. I showed him pictures of all of the people that helped make this possible.

As him and his wife were looking at the pictures, his wife started to cry. They were so touched that complete strangers contributed on their behalf. They said they had wished those people were here now so they could hug them and thank them. I cried too. But happy tears. It was an overwhelming experience.

We then told them that everything under the tree was for them. Their 3 year old daughter also got some small gifts to open. The larger toys were held in a separate room for Sara to have a wonderful surprise when she comes down the steps on Christmas morning. They were floored and speechless. They couldn't believe it. They were so grateful.

My heart was so full. I couldn't stop smiling. They couldn't stop smiling. Their daughter was having a blast. We sat and talked and ate pizza and had almost like a family dinner. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, and it was simply amazing.

This process has done more for me than this family will ever know. This is truly what this season is about. Everyone is going through hard times. Try to be a bit nicer to people because we are all fighting a battle. This has taught me that there is still so much good that exists in this world. We tend to only hear the bad things but there is so much good that we don't hear about. To all of those that helped make this family's Christmas a little bit brighter, I want to Thank you! I don't think any of us know how much it has impacted this family. Everyone deserves help sometimes. Good things happen to good people. This is proof.

It was a magical night filled with so much love! 

Here are the toys for Santa to deliver Christmas Eve! 

Merry Christmas! Love one another. Respect one another. Be kind.

CD 2....On to Injectables

So it is definitely over. I can say that without a doubt in my mind. IUI#4 did  not work. I will not get my Christmas wish this year. I am surprisingly handling it really well. Who knows how I will be feeling Christmas Day but for now, I have accepted it and moved on.

Part of the reason I am handling it so well might be the fact that we are moving on to injectables next cycle. What does this mean? Well, I am not totally sure myself but I know that I will basically be giving myself shots everyday for like 2 weeks. And when I say "I will be giving myself shots" I really mean Tom will be giving me shots because there is no way in hell I am sticking a huge ass needle into my thigh muscle.

Seriously though...the needle is HUGE! Not joking...

see?!?! Told YA!

So the meds arrived on my doorstep on Saturday afternoon and were packed on dry ice. I was prescribed Gonal F and Novrel. Some of the medication needs to be refrigerated while some of it doesn't. It came with gauze, alcohol swabs, shit ton of needles, and a disposable waste bin which really freaks me out. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I started to read the booklet and it said that the one medication needs to be stuck into my thigh and needs to get into the muscle. So that's pretty deep. That should be fun.

I will be calling my RE today to inform them of my exciting CD2 news. I am sure I will have to go in tomorrow morning and hopefully get a crash course on injections.

I also read that the chance of multiples is 30%. That's a little scary. I mean, I would be all about twins but anything more then that sounds a bit daunting. But I am getting ahead of myself...I can't even get one baby yet..so let's just try working on one for now Katie.

On a side note, today is the day we are presenting the family in need I wrote about two weeks ago with all of their stuff and donations. It has been an eye opening experience. I am honestly floored by people's generosity. There is still so much good that exists in this world. I cannot wait to see the look on this family's face when we present them with their items. I may not be getting my Christmas wish this year but I think I am helping grant someone else's their Christmas wish!

12DPIUI....WTF

So today is 12DPIUI. Tested again this morning. Negative again. You would think with each passing month I wouldn't put so much hope into each cycle. But nope. Every single new cycle, I get that little butterfly feeling and think "this is going to be the cycle that works...it has to work this time." And so far, each time, I am 10000% disappointed and let down. But the second I begin the new round, I get excited again. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Yup, it's official I am insane!

I can say that next cycle we will be moving on to injectables. So that is doing something different. I know already that I am going to believe more then ever that the next cycle is going to work just because we are doing something different and more aggressive. It has to work right?

It is so hard to explain how you are feeling to someone who hasn't gone through this or isn't currently experiencing infertility. Each month that it doesn't work and you get that stark white negative test, a part of you dies. I literally lose a piece of myself each time. The sadness overwhelms me. I start to question everything.

What have I done to deserve this?

Why isn't it working?

Why me? Why us?

How much more can we possibly handle?

What is the point of all of this?

Why am I broken?

I know I am not alone in my feelings and there are many couples out there that are going through the same thing and are asking the same questions. I also know that there are many people that have been in our shoes but now they have a child and have had success. 

So now I am grieving the loss of something that I never initially had. I am going to do my best to chin up and be happy for the holidays. I absolutely love this time of year and I really don't want it to be ruined by my own self pity. So that's all for this negative 12dpiui update. Wish I had better news to report!

10DPIUI...BLAH

So today is 10DPIUI. I was doing terrific with my TWW up until yesterday. Yesterday, I started the googling and even tested. Now, I know 9DPIUI is very early but no matter what, every time I pee on a stick I always hold my breath and imagine those two glorious lines coming up.

Well they didn't. So yeah. That sucked. It was an internet cheapie test but I literally didn't see anything. I tried to make myself see something, and once or twice I even thought I did but I am pretty confident it was all in my head.

Here is the test...

See anything?? Yeah me neither :( 

So I tested again this morning with a First Response (FRER). That's right, I pulled out the big guns. It was my last FRER in my drawer so it had to work right?? I have lower back pain, my boobs hurt on and off, last night as I was wrapping presents I kept getting waves of nausea. I was so sure it would work. I woke up at 5AM because I had to pee and figured well here goes nothing! First morning urine is supposed to be the best!

Here is the test....

My FRER! WAH :( Feel like I wasted it

So here I am...sitting here....analyzing...googling....symptom spotting...feeling depressed. I know I am still early but I honestly thought that I would see even the faintest of faintest squinter by now. 

Next cycle, assuming this one doesn't work, we are supposed to start injectables. Now I don't understand anything about them. I just know that I need to have them at my house right away as soon as my cycle starts. Now this leads me to another predicament in which I will most likely over analyze. I will probably start my period early next week. Well Christmas is next week! The pharmacy ships the drugs out to you overnight. But what if they are closed on Christmas? Should I call now and just bite the bullet and pay for the drugs even though there's a chance I may not need them? Oh, why can nothing be easy? 

Guess that's life for ya. 

So Happy freaking Tuesday...blahhhh

TWW Distraction: Paying it Forward

So today I am 5DPIUI. I feel completely normal. I have a minor headache but again, it may or may not be related. I have been doing awesome this TWW with not googling anything or thinking about it too much. Luckily I have been super busy with work and events during the week. Tonight I am getting my hair did and I am so freaking excited for it. Nothing better then a fresh head of hair!! Highlights all around please!! I have also been distracted due to a project I am working on for a family in need. I wanted to share it with you..

Ok, so without going into too much detail about where I work, I want to share a story with all of you (I love how I say all of you like there are a million readers out there)!
I work at a Bank. We own lots of properties that were foreclosed on. We had to take back many of these properties at Sheriff Sale because the borrower stopped paying us. Now, don't hate us and think we are mean, money grubbing, typical big banks. We are a small community Bank. We only have six branches. Many of these properties were rental properties for the borrowers. These were not the homes that they actually lived in. Many of the properties are located in poor and bad neighborhoods. The borrowers never kept up on maintenance or paying any of the utility bills or taxes. They used these properties as rentals and took advantage of people who just needed a place to call home. The borrowers aka slum lords would simply go by at the beginning of every month and collect the rent and then wouldn't be seen again for another month. If the house had maintenance issues, 9 out of 10 times, it wasn't taken care of.


So anyways, when we inherited these properties, many of them came with tenants in them. Mind you many of these "tenants" were families. Mothers and Fathers with their children. We took over the position of Landlord for them. This experience has been both gratifying and frustrating at the same time.

I have seen people take advantage of the governmental assistance programs out there and I have seen the other end of the spectrum where people who truly need help are denied. We hear stories almost daily about family members being shot, jobs lost, children getting into trouble with the law, children being sick in the hospital, etc. It is so draining sometimes. So this brings me to the point of this story...

We have a tenant. For privacy reasons, I will change his name to "Brian". Brian is married to his wife "Mary" and together they have a 3 year old daughter "Annie". They have been living in their home for well over 5 years now. Brian works full time as a security officer. He works the night shift. His parents live in Georgia and are both very ill. Brian sends his parents money every month to help with medical expenses. Because of this, Brian is behind on all of his bills and rent payments. He is just not bringing in enough money to survive. He hasn't paid rent since August of this year. His monthly rental amount is $500.00 but between living expenses, gas, food, bills, etc. he is unable to make his rent payments. We do not want to see Brian have to be evicted but understand that as a business we do need to have a tenant that can afford to pay rent. Brian has been doing odds and ends jobs for the Bank which we apply towards his past due rent. We met with him and he brought in all of his bills and pay stubs and tax returns. He laid his life on the table. I don't care if you are a man or woman, that is something that is not easy to do. Imagine bringing in all of your bills to sit down with people that you barely know. That takes an insane amount of courage. After reviewing all of his paperwork, we realized there was really nothing that he could give up or cut back on in order to help him get out of debt. He was simply over extended. He left the meeting stating that he had faith everything was going to work out and he has been praying on this.

After the meeting, my mind kept going back to him and his family. I thought about what it took for him to do that and the feeling he must have had as he left the meeting. We basically confirmed to him that he was in trouble and we really didn't see a way out for him. Then it dawned on me. Katie, you can help him! You can maybe play a small role in being his way out. So I decided right then and there that I was going to try to get donations together for this family. Whether it be clothes for Mary, toys, gift cards to food stores or gas stations, diapers/wipes, or basic tolietrees or even money towards their bills. I was going to do everything I could to help make their life a little bit easier. We are in the season of giving right? This is what it is all about right?

So I posted something on my Facebook page and the responses I got were incredible. Complete strangers offering whatever they could to help. My Mom's boss donated $100. I met two people last evening and they donated coloring books, crayons, and brand new clothing and hair accessories. Someone offered to provide Christmas dinner for them. Another complete stranger offered to provide them with a tree. A woman just dropped off a Wal-Mart gift card in my mail box.
I couldn't believe it. I truly cried tears of happiness on my way home from meeting the people that donated the items. I am completely surprised and I have a renewed faith in humanity. There are good people still in the world. I am scheduled to meet people on Friday evening and again on Saturday morning. I will also be going around picking things up for people. Another person I work with is helping me with this also. It really does remind you that your life isn't so bad after all.

If anyone reading this feels inclined to purchase or donate something please send me an email at katie395@gmail.com. We also created a registry on Amazon of things that we know the family needs/likes.

You can go here: Gordon Family Wish List

Items will be sent directly to my home and I will be sure the family gets them! The family does not have any idea that we are doing this for them. They did not request anything nor did they ask. We are simply trying to help give them a fighting chance and a brighter future! 

Thanks in Advanced for helping me pay it forward! 

Update: IUI 4

After my mid-cycle check on CD15, I went back 2 days later on Friday, 12/5/14. My eggs were bigger. I still had two. That's a good sign. Here are my two little eggies:

Aren't they precious???

I was told to come back the following day and we would do the IUI. So bright and early on a rainy Saturday morning, Tom and I trucked into the Fertility Clinic. Tom had his goods in hand. He still thinks it is so weird but I don't think anything of it anymore. The IUI was scheduled for 9:30. We were both in good spirits and I brought my fuzziest socks I own. I heard this theory - warm feet = warm uterus?? Not sure how true it is but hey why not? Plus it is an excuse to wear my fun cat with glasses fuzzy socks!

So we got there and waited and waited some more. It was fine though. It was a Saturday and understood that they were running behind. We entertained ourselves. They finally called me back. I immediately saw an ultrasound tech that was friends with my Sister in Law. I knew she worked there but had never seen her in the 9 months that I had been going to the RE. She gave me a big hug and she was going to check to see if I had ovulated. I already felt like it was a good sign that she was there.

I went and got probed. Good news - both eggs released on their own! They washed the sperm and were getting it ready to insert it all up into my junk. So romantic. They came in and gave us Tom's sperm numbers. He is always so excited to hear if he beat last times numbers. I can't remember what the exact numbers were but the Dr said they were above normal which was good to hear. Our Dr. was not on this weekend so we had the other Dr. I never had him for anything before but he was nice. The two follicles were on my right ovary so he said he was going to aim towards the right.

After it was done and the worst part was over, I just laid on the table for 10 minutes. While we were waiting, we decided that we would take a trip into the City and get some shopping done. As we were walking to the parking Toms phone rang. It was his work. He was on call. He had to go in. Bummer. I decided just to take the ride with him into work. The weather was crappy so we decided to bag the shopping trip and just grabbed something to eat after he was done at work.

Here is a pic of me on the way to his job site. I wanted to keep my feet warm and elevated. Tom thought I was ridiculous but I figured every little bit helps right?

So we went and had breakfast and came home and decorated the inside of our house for Christmas. Later that night we went to the Mall and did some minor shopping. I was a bit crampy and tired but nothing out of the ordinary. It also didn't help that we are fostering a 6 week old puppy that literally has to pee every 10 minutes. She is adorable though :) We called her Piper. She was adopted yesterday by her forever family and they named her Lucy.

She was so much fun to have but honestly, I am glad to have my normal routine with my house trained dogs! But we do love helping out the SPCA and fostering. This was our 5th foster puppy. 

So today is 4DPIUI. I don't feel any differently. I feel cramps here and there but I am not sure if that's gas or just a normal part of being a human. I have been crazy busy which is a good thing because it hasn't really allowed me to focus on the IUI. I will probably start testing this weekend because I am a freak and won't be able to stop myself.

Lucky Number 4????

So after three failed IUI cycles, I am rapidly approaching the day we will do our 4th IUI cycle and it will be our 5th Clomid cycle.

Last time, I was so sure it was going to work. I had 4 beautiful follicles. The numbers were all in our favor. So when it didn't work, I was devastated. Completely heartbroken. This time was worse then any other time just because I was so sure it would work. But it didn't and that sucks.

So today is CD15. I had my mid-cycle check this morning. I have 2 follicles this time. In the past hearing that I had two follicles would have made me upset but considering last time I had 4 and it didn't work, I don't think it really matters how many. All you need is 1 egg and 1 sperm.

They took bloodwork and are thinking I will ovulate in the next 2 days. I go back Friday for another check and will most likely be doing IUI #4 on Saturday.
Yay...another $460!! I honestly do not know how we are making it work with the finances. My parents helped pay for one IUI cycle and that was so generous of them. They help us out so much.
With the cost of co-pays, the medication, and then the procedures themselves, it really adds up.

This time of year is especially difficult due to the holidays. I keep wondering if this one will work. I am so excited and scared all at the same time. My test day will most likely be Dec 20. Five days before Christmas.

I feel like this time will make or break my Christmas and that sucks. If it works and is positive, it will be the best Christmas ever but if it doesn't work, I know I will be so devastated and really do not want it to ruin the holidays.

If this time doesn't work, we will move on to IUI with injectables next cycle. I already got the quote and luckily it is covered and we will only need to pay $40 out of pocket for the needles! Then I get to stick myself with them everyday! Doesn't that sound fantastic?

I hope there is no next time. I hope that IUI#4 is the lucky cycle for us. I hope we get our Christmas miracle!

An Open Apology

So since this whole process has begun, I have become an increasingly bitchy person. I act as though the whole world is out to get me. I act as though I am the only person that is struggling or going through something. As if everyone owes me something because I am having a difficult time.

I ruined Thanksgiving this year. It was at my house and I was stressed. The cooking and cleaning got to me. It also didn't help that I was in a God awful mood the entire day. There was no making me happy. I sabotaged the day on purpose. I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was mad and angry and bitter. I have no idea why I did this. I don't know if it was the Clomid or just the whole infertility process catching up to me.

Bottom line, I was a bitch. I made my sister leave when all she did was ask if I needed help with anything. I picked on my Mom the entire day for no reason. At the dinner table everyone said something they were thankful for and my response was "that this is almost over."

Really?

Just typing that made my stomach hurt. That is not the type of person I am. I am extremely grateful for everything good in my life and I love the holidays. It makes me sad that I allowed this process to get to me and affect me so deeply which made me ruin Thanksgiving.

So to anyone that I upset, I am sorry. I know I was wrong. I knew I was acting like a bitch but it was like a train that I couldn't stop. I hate the way I acted. I am doing my best to turn my way of thinking around but it is going to take time.

The truth is, I do feel slighted. I do feel like the world is out to get me. I do feel like I am owed an explanation. Why is this happening to me? Why can homeless drug addicts get pregnant but I can't? What is the purpose of all of this? It is not fair. And honestly, I feel that way and think those thoughts every single day. It is a dark place inside my brain. I am sure if you asked anyone else that is struggling with infertility, they would agree with me. The thoughts that you think are dark. You want answers to questions that you will never get. You want to blame someone or something but there is nothing or no-one to blame. It would be easier to blame someone or something then to face the harsh reality that there is no answer and there is no explanation. There never will be.

But it isn't easy at all. It is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. I want to be the happy person I was before this. I don't want this process to change me. But the bottom line is that it is changing me. At the end of this road, whenever that may be, I hope I can look back and say that is changed me for the better. And in the meantime, to anyone that I upset or sad mean things to out of anger, please know that I am sorry and I will try better.

There Is Always Something to Be Thankful For

So as I sit here on this dreary, cold, rainy that will turn into ugly snow slushie mixture Thanksgiving Eve morning, I realize that I have so many things in my life to be thankful for.

While I do have struggles, for the most part, I have a pretty great life.
I have a wonderful husband, an unbelievably loyal family, two of the happiest dogs in the world, a place to lie my head at night, a car to get myself to work, and friends that will be there no matter how late it is or where I am.

I know there are many people that do not have any of those things I listed above. That makes me sad and grateful all at the same time. You see, everyone is going through a struggle. Whether they lost their job, their home was foreclosed on, a loved one passed away, cancer diagnosis, and the list goes on and on. I am not the only one who is struggling. I need to take a moment to recognize that while it feels like the world is completely against only me sometimes, there are other people that feel the same exact way.

I know one day I will have a family. I don't know when or how but I just know that it will happen.
I just have to wait my turn. I know a blessing is coming my way and for that, I am so thankful.

I hope anyone who is reading this has a wonderful Thanksgiving and finds at least one thing to be thankful for. Remember, there is always someone who is going through something. Find comfort in that you are not alone even though you may feel like it at times. Blessings are coming...

Shattered Part 2

After I hung up the phone, while standing out front of Chickies and Pete's, I immediately called Tom. I felt like I was in a bad dream. I didn't understand what was happening. Did I really just hear her correctly? Why is this happening? I don't know what to do right now. I don't understand. These thoughts were racing through my head on a never ending loop.

Tom answered and I told him exactly what the Nurse at the Dr's office told me. I was sobbing and could barely get any words out. He kept saying, "What?" "Why?" "What does this mean?"

We were both asking each other questions that could not be answered.

We both agreed that we would be leaving work right away.

I got myself somewhat together, put on my sunglasses and headed back into the restaurant. I kept my sunglasses on inside. I am sure it was obvious to Ali and my other co-worker that something was wrong. I immediately lied about who was on the phone and said it was my sister. Ali knew though. She knew something was wrong and she knew it had to do with the pregnancy.
She was so sweet. She said okay, well we better get back to work and made small talk the entire car ride back just so I didn't have to talk. I held it together. I have no idea how. We walked into work, walked into her office, shut the door, and I lost it. She hugged me and she let me cry. She cried with me. She told me just to leave work and don't worry about anything else right now.

I went out the back door so I wouldn't have to see anyone. Got in the car and drove home. I was numb.

I called my Mom who at this point didn't even know I was pregnant. I was a mess. Screaming and crying. Trying to explain what had happened. I didn't want to say the word "Miscarriage" out loud.
She was so upset and so worried about me.

I called Tom again. He was so upset. He was upset for himself, upset for me, upset for us. He called his family and told them the news. On Monday when we received the news that my blood test was positive he went out and bought cigars and flowers and was telling the cashiers at the places that he just found out he was going to be a Dad. He was so excited and now his world was shattered too.

 I got home and went upstairs to our bedroom. Crawled into bed with my doggies and just sobbed. Uncontrollably. Every part of my body ached. I physically hurt. Tom came home and we both just laid in bed. Not knowing what to say. I remember saying repeatedly, "I just don't understand, I just don't understand."

I still don't understand.